Final Fantasy VII - "All about Random Battles"

[Dameon Angell]

Final Fantasy 7 - All About Random Battles

[Ezor]

roflmao

[Stabwound]

Haha, pretty good.

[NaiLed]

hahahaha... great.

the extra scenes own too

[Kim]

nOT TO MEnTION THAT THE MINI GAME IS ANNOYING

[Lofty]

Cloud leaned back lazily on a …uh… stool…in the bar at Kalm. Tifa stood by
him and sipped Pepsi One (less calories… she really doesn’t need them…) as
Barret downed his tenth mug of beer. In a corner, Vince sipped quietly at his
vodka, and Red XIII lay curled at his feet, his tail occasionally scorching a
careless passerby’s foot. Yuffie walked aimlessly back and forth, chatting
aimlessly with people, patting them aimlessly on the back. Every five minutes
or so, she’d stop in a corner and count some bright, shiny, round objects
located in her leather sack that looked remarkably like Materia. In the
meantime, Cid was bargaining with a salesman for a cheap pack of
cigarettes. Sitting at the counter, in a row, like three azure statues, were the
Turks. Reno, Rude, and Elena. They drunkenly cursed at each other and
hurled empty mugs at everyone else.

Just then, Sephiroth walked in. He was in a very, very bad mood. Cloud looked up. "YAHH!" he yelped, and then reached for his large sword. As he
did, a sudden thought crossed his mind. I wonder how I lift this big thing so
easily? Maybe it’s made of plastic and reinforced with paperclips… yeah,
that must be it…

He swung it at Sephiroth. Sephiroth ignored it. He slumped down next to
Vince and, glancing at the apathetic man, ordered a vodka. Or as he put it,
"One of the things he has." (and a jab at Vincent)

Cloud walked over. "Hey, what’s wrong with you? Don’t you want to kill me?"

Sephiroth shot him an angry glance. "Go away." He pouted.

Cloud felt a change come over him. Here was a poor, helpless, sad and lonely child. He could help! What a wonderful idea! He decided to make him feel better through self-insultation. (yes, I KNOW it’s not a word… so what?) "Well, at least you have a decent name. My name is… Cloud… as in clouds, as in rainclouds, as in big puffy things floating in the sky."

Sephiroth turned on him. His green eyes were practically shooting lasers. "My
name means a GROUP of FEMALE ANGELS! GRRR! WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS THAT?" he said through gritted teeth.

Cloud thought for a moment. Or two. Or three. Or maybe a couple hours. I don’t know. "What?" he finally managed to say after many minutes of deep contemplation.

"FEMALE ANGELS! Grr…."

Cloud reached into his pocket and got out his "Handy-Dandy-English-Pocket-Dictionary". He flashed it for everyone to see, hoping they’d be jealous. He checked up "Sephiroth". He couldn’t find it.

Sephiroth snorted noisily. "How STUPID can you GET? It’s HEBREW, idiot,
not ENGLISH."

Yuffie walked over. "So what’s a single female angel?"

"Sephirot." Sephiroth muttered.

"Hahaha!" she laughed fakely, while trying to pry a Mega-ALL out of Sephiroth’s sword. The sword flashed once and Yuffie was lying on the ground wailing, clutching a stump where her hand used to be.

Sephiroth, feeling pity for her, decided to end her misery. He stabbed her twice, wiped his sword blade on her hair, and sheathed it once more. Cloud grimaced, but everyone else went one with their daily business.

Vincent finally turned from communing with his holy mug of vodka. "Well, my name is Valentine. What kind of freak would give a guy the name: Valentine?"

Red XIII looked up. "Squaresoft."

"Oh." They all looked at each other, surprised at the simplicity and utter
obviousness of that answer.

"Of course." Barret said. "Who else?"

Tifa turned. "That’s right." She said, batting her eyelashes.

"Oh, be quiet, Tifa. Your name suits you fine."

At this point the Turks walked over (in a straight line… they looked a lot like
the AZN Mafia…). "Truce!"

"Huh?" everyone else blinked.

"We declare a truce." Reno repeated. Then he relented a little. "Well…at
least until we get rid of those Square freaks."

Sephiroth got up. He stomped on the counter with his big, black rubber rain
boots. "They’re right! We have got to get rid of those idiots! They’re mean,
stupid, and mentally deranged! They have to go!" With that speech, he
stomped once more, and slipped and fell in a puddle of vodka.

A cry of despair wrenched its way out of Vincent’s throat. "NOOOOOO!" he
screamed. "NOOOOOOOO! MY PRECIOUS VODKA!"

The sudden cry and fall made Sephiroth react suddenly. Instinctively, he
whipped out Masamune. He whipped it out too forcefully.
Before he could stop it, it had sliced off Tifa’s head. "Oops."

Vincent, in his rage, had morphed and was eagerly devouring Rude. The limp, disemboweled body of Elena lay beside him. I think you can guess the rest.

Cloud, seeing Tifa, die, became enraged, and pulled out his plastic sword
and began playing about with it.

Red XIII’s tail burned Barret’s face, which had dropped down so low in his
drunkenness it almost touched the ground. Barret died from inhaling fire.

Sephiroth, seeing this terrible crime, sliced Red XIII’s head off as well,
making him pay for killing Barret.

Poor, unlucky Hojo just had to walk in right then. Vincent, who had made a
complete mess of Rude, was eager for a new, fresh victim. He was about to
attack Cloud, who had given him quite a few black and blue stripes, but he
decided that Hojo was a better choice. Poor, unlucky Hojo was disemboweled
and lay in shreds within seconds. Now he could attack Cloud.

Five minutes later, Sephiroth stood in the middle of the room, with Tifa’s
head in his left hand and Red’s in his right. He looked down at Tifa’s bloody
body. For some reason, he could feel no remorse. Well, all the better for him.

Vincent stood up and morphed back into his more human body. He looked at
the leftovers of his …meal. And he hurled.

Reno stood up from under a chair. The chair was still on his head. "Wow! I’m
still alive!" he exclaimed.

Sephiroth took one look at him and, dropping both heads, wrung Reno’s head
off. Then he picked up a canvas bag and stuffed all three heads inside.
Searching around, he found many other heads. Barret’s he discarded
because the burn marks would render it worthless forever, but the rest he
could clean up and stack in his study room with his alien mother’s head.

Vincent looked at Sephiroth. "I guess that thing about crushing Square won’t
work out after all."

"No," he replied. "It will. If the two of us could do this (waves at the carnage)
we can surely destroy that office of sissy-sissy-poo-poos."

Vince nodded. "Then what are we waiting for?"