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Revelations
It's just about 9:30 pm on a tuesday evening when I deicide I'll go and get my little place prepared for mah woman that's coming in about 10 hrs. Right, nothing big, I live in a dorm, my room is about 19 square meters big, I have place for one bed, one little table, a comfy chair and a big table with hi-tech stuff, like 15 yrs old Sharp tv that has a volume button stuck to highest and can only show 3 different colours. I figure, 10mins work, especially since I've cleaned the room this sunday, ez pie. Man was I wrong, I mean, if I was Ahab I would have had an easier task than this.
Revelation #1: guys (or me, and me being a stereotypical good looking piece of hunk meat, it automatically includes rest of guys too) apparently tend to vacuum only the middle of the room, preberabley just the carpet, especially if the rest of the floor has this yellowish colour and is very good at masking stuff, such a hairs of different lenghts and colours. It works just fine, you vacuum the middle part, kick everything under the bed or the table and don't care about it anymore unless you start choking in your sleep or you see small, thumb-sized monsters organizing parties in hill-like piles of dirt. Well, let me tell you something, it took me 2 vaccum-cleaner-thingy bags to clean all that stuff under the bed, I could have used the shovel without any problems. It's insane what amount of crap piles up in those little cracks in the edges of the room; I found several coins, a floppy, a bubblegum and 15 pages of a book in one such crack few minutes ago. I think I even saw a piece of a bone of what looks to be a prehistorical animal. What the fuck ?
Revelation #2: I now understand why I feel uncomfortable when I'm at some girls house and about to take a nice, relaxing shit (other than no comics or papers of any kind laying around). You see, girls tend to overly clean their toiletrooms and thus make them highly unusable (unless you can cope with the stress) for your general male person. I go in there, I smell flowers, I smell roses, everything is nice and white, there is a little red carpet on the floor with a face of Tweety looking up and smiling at you. There are little red towels hung on the wall, in order too, going from longest, to shortest. There is even one marked "guests" and that one, is blue. A very gentle soothing blue colour which, and this is no coincidence, is matching the shower curtain. There are small candles on the sink and they're emiting a scent of peach, there is one bigger, round, peachy looking and peachy smelling candle straight above the toilet chair. There are pictures of small fish on the wall, even a picture of a flower in the bloom. All nicely framed with frame colour matching the one of the carpet, but in a slightly different tone. Every possible skin and hair and conditioning product is in its correct space, very reachable from any point of the toiletroom. The toilet paper is abundant and is very soft and flowery, something that I could use to wrap people's presents and feel proud about it.
I go in there, and not only do I feel a little lightheaded of all the nice smells, but I feel rather confused! I do not know if I'm in the right room. There is nothing that gives away if that room has been used for the purposes of this kind, ever. For all I know, this is some strange relaxing room with jazz feeling where she goes with a bottle of wine and newest edition of Elle after a long and hard day at work. I see the toilet chair, yes, but maybe it's some state-of-the art avant gard chair that has other purposes. The water inside the chair is coloured blue and smells spring, so I can't really tell!
It's NOTHING like the guys toilet where you go in, and even if you are blind, you will smell your way to the right place, and do your stuff, and if you're frequent visitor you will know to bring your own toilet paper (or use a page of any comic book that lay spread around) and to whipe your, only washed with water hands on your t shirt.
But no no no, there is no such thing at a girls place. None! I feel bad, I feel stressed out, what if I am making fool of myself taking shit in some place she considers to be her relaxing spot, how would you feel if someone would take a dump in the middle of your livingroom, but by now, I really, really have to go, I cannot squeeze it between the cheecks much longer because a part is already out, all that smell is making me dizzy, and I have to piss too !!
So, I end up doing the only thing possible, I take a piss in her sink, wash it with water and liquid soap afterwards and I use my left hand to dig out that piece of shit sticking out of my ass. I shake it off in her sink as well, push it down and I wash my hands with apple-smelling liquid soap, and now, I'm hungry and need to take a dump and I'm feeling it right on my ass rubbing all over it as I walk out. I can't fucking wait to get out of there and go to my own place where I will enjoy myself.
My own place looks like that now, all nice, and nice, but fuck you who are calling me a hypocrite, I want to get laid.
Revelation #1: guys (or me, and me being a stereotypical good looking piece of hunk meat, it automatically includes rest of guys too) apparently tend to vacuum only the middle of the room, preberabley just the carpet, especially if the rest of the floor has this yellowish colour and is very good at masking stuff, such a hairs of different lenghts and colours. It works just fine, you vacuum the middle part, kick everything under the bed or the table and don't care about it anymore unless you start choking in your sleep or you see small, thumb-sized monsters organizing parties in hill-like piles of dirt. Well, let me tell you something, it took me 2 vaccum-cleaner-thingy bags to clean all that stuff under the bed, I could have used the shovel without any problems. It's insane what amount of crap piles up in those little cracks in the edges of the room; I found several coins, a floppy, a bubblegum and 15 pages of a book in one such crack few minutes ago. I think I even saw a piece of a bone of what looks to be a prehistorical animal. What the fuck ?
Revelation #2: I now understand why I feel uncomfortable when I'm at some girls house and about to take a nice, relaxing shit (other than no comics or papers of any kind laying around). You see, girls tend to overly clean their toiletrooms and thus make them highly unusable (unless you can cope with the stress) for your general male person. I go in there, I smell flowers, I smell roses, everything is nice and white, there is a little red carpet on the floor with a face of Tweety looking up and smiling at you. There are little red towels hung on the wall, in order too, going from longest, to shortest. There is even one marked "guests" and that one, is blue. A very gentle soothing blue colour which, and this is no coincidence, is matching the shower curtain. There are small candles on the sink and they're emiting a scent of peach, there is one bigger, round, peachy looking and peachy smelling candle straight above the toilet chair. There are pictures of small fish on the wall, even a picture of a flower in the bloom. All nicely framed with frame colour matching the one of the carpet, but in a slightly different tone. Every possible skin and hair and conditioning product is in its correct space, very reachable from any point of the toiletroom. The toilet paper is abundant and is very soft and flowery, something that I could use to wrap people's presents and feel proud about it.
I go in there, and not only do I feel a little lightheaded of all the nice smells, but I feel rather confused! I do not know if I'm in the right room. There is nothing that gives away if that room has been used for the purposes of this kind, ever. For all I know, this is some strange relaxing room with jazz feeling where she goes with a bottle of wine and newest edition of Elle after a long and hard day at work. I see the toilet chair, yes, but maybe it's some state-of-the art avant gard chair that has other purposes. The water inside the chair is coloured blue and smells spring, so I can't really tell!
It's NOTHING like the guys toilet where you go in, and even if you are blind, you will smell your way to the right place, and do your stuff, and if you're frequent visitor you will know to bring your own toilet paper (or use a page of any comic book that lay spread around) and to whipe your, only washed with water hands on your t shirt.
But no no no, there is no such thing at a girls place. None! I feel bad, I feel stressed out, what if I am making fool of myself taking shit in some place she considers to be her relaxing spot, how would you feel if someone would take a dump in the middle of your livingroom, but by now, I really, really have to go, I cannot squeeze it between the cheecks much longer because a part is already out, all that smell is making me dizzy, and I have to piss too !!
So, I end up doing the only thing possible, I take a piss in her sink, wash it with water and liquid soap afterwards and I use my left hand to dig out that piece of shit sticking out of my ass. I shake it off in her sink as well, push it down and I wash my hands with apple-smelling liquid soap, and now, I'm hungry and need to take a dump and I'm feeling it right on my ass rubbing all over it as I walk out. I can't fucking wait to get out of there and go to my own place where I will enjoy myself.
My own place looks like that now, all nice, and nice, but fuck you who are calling me a hypocrite, I want to get laid.
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