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[Twerp]

New Story

Oh well, I'll give it a shot :P (just to let you all know, I'm 14 and I hate english so it may not be up to your standards)(constructive criticism please )(Oh yea, sorry if this is reviving a dead thread.)

It was in early July right around midnight when I lay on the couch, wide-eyed, staring into space, thinking, wondering. I listened to the kitchen clock, hearing the ticks of the seconds, but they seem to take forever as a classroom filled with children when class is almost up. I was glad that it was going slow, yet I was still perplexed at the thought of moving. I never wanted to leave; I never wanted to give it a chance. I just wanted to stay here; to play with friends; to live as a kid that I am. But during this night, when seconds turned to minutes and where I grew weary as time grew on, I had to accept fate. I had to accept the world and its challenges that I had and needed to face. I couldn’t run from the problems yet I felt inclined to. The time started to pass quickly, and I eventually fell asleep.

I woke up thinking that this was the day, which would change my life forever, and it did. It cut me so deep that I could feel my soul tearing apart seam by seam. I had a quick breakfast as I was not hungry. I did my normal routine like any normal summer day, except it wasn’t a normal day, but I still couldn’t shake off the thought of it even though I had been informed months before.

We went back to our house one last time. It was very disheartening and I felt my eyes swelling with tears and my vision became blurry. I fought back tears, but then let it all go. My nose grew heavier like gravity was centered upon it and my nose became stuffed. The muscles in my mouth shook so rapidly it felt as if it had a spasm. The tears continued to stream down my cheeks and slide off my chin, splashing upon my hands in my lap. I was riding with my mom and I saw her weep too. We eventually started packing up and continued the three day journey. I didn’t look back when we left the street. I wanted to look back so badly, but I didn’t. I thought that if I looked back, I would be realizing that this was the end to an extraordinary era. I thought I would see my friends with solemn faces staring as the truck went through. Once we left the promenade where we lived, I lost hope. I lost the hope that maybe we wouldn’t have to move. I lost the hope that you see in movies where they just turn around and head back. But this wasn’t the movies, this was real and it will never be forgotten.
The end (Yes it's crap)

[Squeezer]

naw man i agree, theres too many words, but they arent used right. I guess what i meant to say is clean up ure descriptions. They dont sound right.

[Ewan]

Squeezer has just totally gone against what me and TK have said.

[Squeezer]

its a little bit ambiguous, and it needs more description. I want to see, hear, feel, touch, and even taste what it is ure writing about. Just describe a little more, and u'll be fine.

overall its good.

[Heatha]

I'd like a signed copy of this novel when it is complete. Thanks much :turned:.

[Troll King]

Like a lot of other people have said, I think you're trying too hard with your diction. There are just too many wasted words you've put into your sentences that cloud and clutter the reader like being blinded by a suddenly lit flame on a dark night.

That last sentence would have been better off being re-written as "you're being too wordy and it distracts the reader". See the difference there? Part of the problem is that you're writing a sentence that, at its basics, is trying to say one thing, but you're adding to it to make it try to express a different thought. While that isn't necessarily wrong, what happens is that the second thought comes across as being more important than the main thought, as if it were the reason you wrote that sentence. While this can be an effective device, it's effect is lessened when used so often. The first sentence after the *** break for example looks like you're trying to get across two or three seperate ideas into one sentence. The end result is that the whole thing reads like how John Kerry sounds.

Things got better once you got to the dialogue, but the part where you describe the commander seems bogged down because you have so many sentences that begin with "he was..." or "he had..." or "he wore..."

If and when you do a second draft, try to relax your wording a bit more. Go through each sentence and pick out the one main, most important idea you wanted to express in that sentence and try to move the rest into a better position.

[Ewan]

But you use far too much descriptive language. Such as that tissue line.

[Trickers]

Its unedited and unrevised. Don't worry about the grammer or sentence structure. Also I purposely conveyed from using detail. Its just an intro to build. Also I didn't write that in this forum engine, I just copied and pasted.

[Ewan]

Please see this as constructive critisism

Normally when I read a story, I get an image in my mind. Reading yours however (Read the first paragraph or so) didn't seem to convey anything to my mind's eye. You seem to be trying to hard to similise and metaphorise everything. Try being more subtle with your descriptive language.


You also need to work on your grammar/sentence structure:

"Trick thought a command to the Fig’s main AI and the shields of a Lancasted VIII Heavy Fighter weighing in at a grand total of 160 tons charged and an invisible barrier formed around its host"

Could be re-written to

"Trick thought a command to the Fig's main AI and the 160 ton Lancasted VIII Heavy Fighter's shields charged, forming an invisible barrier around its host."

[cundor]

this is one way to try and find out what your worst talent is...

[Troll King]

I'll add more constructive comments later but if you're worried about how it looks on the screen right now, I find it helps if you press enter at the end of every line in the text input box. You still won't get indents but paragraph endings are easier to define and it's less strain on the eyes because your eyes don't have to scan across as far. It doesn't take much effort either. Just cut and paste into the box then keep pressing End, Enter again and again.

Here are your first three paragraphs adjusted for example.

The sky was easily ripped in two, like tissue paper from an object carrying a
velocity of sixty M.P.S.
Trick thought a command to the Fig’s main AI and the shields of a Lancasted
VIII Heavy Fighter weighing in at a grand total of 160 tons charged and an
invisible barrier formed around its host. His next thoughts commenced and in
his mind there formed various battle tactics, trajectory courses and the usual
imagery of massive scale combat between the most destructive forces ever
yielded.
Arrays of holographic controls, schematics of his Fig’s read outs and physical
flight controls mechanisms lay before his hands. He worked magic across the
holos as a pianist did while playing in a symphony. He gathered information of
where he was headed, listened to different recordings broadcasted from the
hell zone at an accelerated bit rate, and watched with illumination in his eyes
live video feeds of exactly he what he was preparing himself for.

If you still think you need to define your paragraphs more you can add a line break if you want to.

[Bahamut]

You could indent you turd, when you make a reply or start a new thread, there is a button you can click or just type: (INDENT]msg[/INDENT], where the ( is a [

Like so! Btw I only read the last line, I didn't bother to read the rest.

[kites]

Your going to have to pay me to waste my time reading.

[Rudy]

Which story were you reading Jerome?

I read the first two lines and my only thoughts were, "Try hard."
So I stopped.

[Jerome Scuggs]

thread rated "excellent"

OH WAIT

TWFORUMS DOESNT HAVE A RATING SYSTEM