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to everyone i hate or hates me!
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There once was a man from Nantucket. -
Alright, that's some crazy shit, and it's been censored. - ConcreteSchlyrdLast edited by ConcreteSchlyrd; 10-20-2002, 11:19 PM.There once was a man from Nantucket. -
Oh Adman, you crazy fuck. Pornography isn't allowed on these forums, silly rabbit! Consider this your warning. - ConcreteSchlyrd
PFFFT that was maisouls present
Last edited by Adman; 10-20-2002, 11:20 PM.There once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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Conc serisouly it was already CENSROED that's what the white dots were FOR!!!!!!!!There once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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HARDCORE
There once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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WOOT FOR NINJAI!!!!!
There once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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Girafee's are funny too!
Giraffe Jokes
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What do you get when two giraffes collide? A giraffic jam.
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In the summer of 1993, Rob and Jason, worked in a Tarzan show at Silver Springs (an attraction in Florida). The show was near a "petting zoo" area which house goats, deer, and giraffes. The giraffes aways leaning over the fence to eat goodies that the tourists held-up for the giraffes to get. One day, Rob and Jason heard this screaming noise over in the petting area. Apparently, a man was walking away from the giraffes and he dropped something. When he bent over to retrieve it two things happened: 1) he exposed a portion of his backside (commonly called "plumber's butt") and 2) one of the giraffes decided this was some sort of food offering and bent down to lick it up. When the man felt the giraffe's long wet tongue sliding down his crack, he stood up and started screaming. This caused his cheeks to pinch the giraffe's tongue. This caused the giraffe to panic and it started screaming (sort of) also. Rob and Jason heard the noise and looked over to see the man standing with the giraffe's tongue coming out of the back of his pants. Several people rushed over and eventually freed both man and giraffe.
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When do giraffes have eight legs? When there are two of them.
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Why didn't they invite the giraffe to the party? He was a pain in the neck.
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Ctrl + c, Ctrl + v
Why We Didn't Do It
To My Dear Wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I
have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed
often.
1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times
Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there
was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it
over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had
finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
To My Dear Husband,
I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the
real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . . 15 times
2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
3. Did not cum. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because
you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling.
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe!!There once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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For argument sake, if Jesus existed what would he look like?
He'd be white with long hair, a beard and sandals
He'd be black
He'd be a she
He'd look like Chad Kroeger (Lead singer of Nickelback)
If Aliens Landed in your Garden and asked to be "taken to your leader" Who would you consider taking them to?
I would Shout "AAARRRRHHHH" and run off screaming.
Your President/ Prime Minister (hahahaha)
Shoot them.
The Queen
The police.
The TV
God
Your Parents
Other (please state in your comments)There once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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60 THINGS WE'VE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES.
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
5) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
6) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
7) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
8) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
9) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
10)It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
11) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
12) An electric fence powerful enough to kill a large dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
13) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
14) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German you need not speak the language. A German accent will do.
16) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
17) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
19) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince in agony when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
20) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of the year.
21) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
22) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
23) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
24) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
25) Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
26) If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
27) Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
28) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
29) All single women have a cat.
30) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
31) One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
32) Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
33) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
34) Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them
35) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
36) Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
37) Whenever a natural or man-made disater is about to occur, the hero escapes (alive) nano second before its too late and is catupulted into the air by the force- but is never harmed
38) No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
39) If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
40) You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
41) All Americans have phones which can reach throughout the house-even if it has a cord. If its cordless- you can pick up perfect reception all around the house...unless there is a insane killer about
42) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
43) Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
44) Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
45) Building ventilation ducts are always clean.
46) Film stars are always super-human- they never need to use the bathroom
47) Any computer, anywhere, even in the jungle, can hack into the most secure goverment system.
48) Any aliens from outer space that you meet will speak your language.
49) No matter how many times you punch someone they will always come back for more - and their wounds have healed dramtically the next day
50) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
51) All handcuffs can easily be opened with nothing more than a paper clip.
52) Grocery shopping bags are made out of brown paper and there is always enough shopping to fill two bags exactly.
53) If you need to open a locked door make sure you have a credit card handy, that will do. Unless its the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
54) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
55) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
56) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
57) No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
58) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
59) Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
60) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
61) Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
62) Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
63) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.There once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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HAHAHAHAHAThere once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHThere once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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^ ^ ^ ^ ^
this is his brain!
There once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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Poor Addy, he done gone insane.
Dishonor is like the scar on a tree, which time, instead of healing, only helps to enlarge.Comment
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There once was a man from Nantucket.Comment
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