living with your significant other

[Bioture]

would like a little input from the people who live with their spouses/gfs/fiances... how does it work out and what are the determining factors? Just needed some random thoughts because I'm in a rut thinking about it by myself.

Currently trying to decide whether or not to "cohabitate" with my special someone... but I don't want to lose my privacy or whatever... i'm willing to sacrifice it though, should I?

edit: what is a good age? what are some of the conditions and etc? should we be married first then move in together?

Currently we're both consultants, able to relocate to anywhere (preferably east coast). we get along great, but we're past the phase where we can't get enough of each other.

[Fit of Rage]

I have a place of my own (dorm on campus at my school) but I basically live with my girlfriend. I sleep over every night, cook here, I basically use my room at school as an "office" to study and do work during the day when I don't have class.

I've been here since last July, so 10 months I suppose. We're still together and still happy, but I don't know. We're both still in school and wouldn't get married for several years if we decide to stay together, so I guess it depends on your situation. The main thing is, don't get frustrated over little things. I can't tell you all the little sacrifices you're going to have to make to live with your significant other, you kind of have to see it for yourself. The tiniest little things could drive you nuts, like whose turn it is to take out the trash, do laundry, cook, whatever. You share practically everything and if you're looking for some strong commitment, trust me you'll have plenty of time together.

For a note, I'm 19 (almost 20) and a sophmore in college. How long have you been with your girlfriend and can you see yourself marrying her sometime in the future? You don't have to commit right away, just saying if you think you want to do this, just gauge how strong you think the relationship is and what you hope to get out of it.

Edit: Well, my girlfriend just read this thread and asked if there was any little things about her that annoyed me, I told her one, and now she's mad at me and told me I suck. So I'm just going to let it blow over and take my punishment for being honest. Maybe I'm not the smartest guy, heh.

[Blood]

Well, you seem old enough with the way you're talking I suppose. And being past the early stages of not getting enough of each other is good too. Just make sure you really, really want to do it before you go ahead with it. You'll lose a lot of your privacy and you'll be spending a lot more time with her. Moving in with each other is one step towards becoming a 'unit'.

[Facetious]

I went through a few months of being unemployed and blowing through saved money, and for about a month and a half of that, I stayed with my girlfriend, and it kind of sucked. On the other hand, at that point, I was in no way ready to commit to living with her for the rest of my life. Also, I'm a total slob and she likes to keep things neat, and she had roommate issues anyway, which I sort of exacerbated by making nice with the roommate that she had issues with, and that pissed her off. It was probably the worst we've gotten along in the 4 and a half years (Jesus Christ, 4 and a half years) we've been dating. I kept pushing it and staying because I told myself "well, if we can't make this work now, when are we going to be able to?" Hopefully, the answer to that question is "at some point when we both have jobs and the same schedule and shit, not when she's going to school and I'm just blowing money on alcohol and drugs." Thank God school ended and the lease was up on her place, or else we probably would have broken up.

My story doesn't really apply I guess, other than that you shouldn't live with your girlfriend when you're at the maturity level that I was then (which you aren't). Also, if living together doesn't work out because you guys aren't on the same page yet, know that you can get the hell out of that situation before it ruins your relationship, and things can work out fine. I have faith that when we both have jobs and can afford our own place with enough space to spread out, that living together will be pretty sweet.

The downsides as I see them, not related to my awful circumstances:
- It's much harder to have a separate social life. If you live together, you've always got to explain where you're going if you make plans, and if she doesn't have plans of her own when you're heading out the door, she's always going to be like "aw c'mon, can I come" or "aw, c'mon, don't go." When you live separately you can just not call your girlfriend, she makes her own plans, and it works out fine.
- As Fit said, little things add up and you get frustrated. Deciding what you want for dinner? Not likely, all of a sudden every day you've got to account for what your girlfriend wants to eat. Instead of dinner being a 5 second decision it can turn into a 10 minute discussion. Follow that up with a 10 minute discussion on whether to watch the game or Whose Wedding is It Anyway, and you're doing fine probably. Add a third stupid discussion like that though and I'm tearing my fucking hair out, personally. This kind of stuff would probably be a lot easier if you dropped 2-3 g's a month on a place to live though, even in this area that would buy you a pretty gigantic living space, so you could keep out of each other's hair better if you wanted private time.

Fit, if your girlfriend can't deal with the fact that there are little things about her that annoy you, good luck, man. You've gotta have way more open communication than to have her be surprised at one thing that annoys you. If she doesn't know what behavior is annoying, how the hell is she going to fix it, and vice versa for you.

[CrvenBan]

Since Face didn't didn't bother with this one, I'll have to take it (do forgive in advance as I don't have the true animosity towards people like these, mainly because I don't care for them, so all this is just an improv, without proper emotional connection):




Man, don't you really dislike people like Bio, who every once in a while make a post about some random life issue only to stick in some info that would make them look better (on paper) than everyone else (on paper).

"Hello dear community of trenchies (those 5 of you older than 16), I am wondering what kind of hair-gele I should buy ? Currently I am well paid consultant, and as long as the gele doesn't exceed 1500, I will be able to afford it. So, please help"


OH SHUT UP! We don't need to know yours and her job, as long as it isn't some weird circus act that requires you to work shifts of 3 hrs every 3 hrs. We don't need to know if you're well paid or not, as love ain't gots nothing to do with it, nor do we have to know how big rent you can pay as long as you two won't live in a trailerhome or in a 2 bedroom appartment crammed with 30 close relatives.
So, unless you want to sound better, more successful or, in this game of life, more annoying than everyone else, your question should be formulated something like:


"hiii guys (those 5 older than 16 and with experience of real life gfs) - I am about to move in with gf, we got jobs, we got cash, and can afford good place to live at. Help me with the intricate workings of the woman and the tiny details that to me have nothing to do with common sense or logic, but to them it is what their world is made of"

(well, if you'd have written that second part starting with "Help me..." that would implicate that you've already achieved the status of women guru and would not need to ask the question in the first place, so disregard)




Sorry Face if it doesn't look good, I tried man, I tried.

[SEAL]

Bioture, what's your job? And hers?

hehe lame. i know. had to do it. erased it, had to add it back
i agree with you crvenban, who cares about the snobby remark "not that it mathers, but we make this amount" in between.

On topic answer:
-1- IMO, reading your posts and your doupts: wait 6 months (dont think about it, you made the desision), then evaluate again.
-2- a place with 3+ room would be nice, so you can isolate yourself/ take moments for yourself.

[Bioture]

I added the job remark not to sound snobby but to clarify the situation. My bad if you took offense to that. I'll take it off.

also, we're thinking metropolitan (most likely DC area), so a place like 3+ rooms with the money we're willing to spend isn't possible. best deal we've found so far is one bedroom with a parking spot in a great bldg... runs for 2100 a month w/o utilities.

She's here now, and by just having her at my place I'm starting to see a lot of problems that weren't there before, like Face said, dinner becomes a 10 min discussion... and also her stuff at my pad doesn't help me feel any better. She's like me, and will mess stuff up until it has to be cleaned, meaning it's messy most of the time now.

[Facetious]

Where are you looking in the DC area? If you're not in a huge hurry to move, there are much better deals than that to be found, I would think. I know my girlfriend's current place is three bedrooms and the rent is something like 1300 bucks before utilities. The building is kind of shitty but the apartment is decent, and it is a 7 minute walk from the metro and probably a 20 minute walk from Georgetown.

Since you do computer stuff (I think, right?), you might actually be more likely to find jobs out here in the "northern virginia technology corridor", and out here you can easily get a really nice townhouse between 2k and 2.5k (polished wood floors, nice kitchen). Of course, if you have that kind of income, it'd be a much better idea to buy, I would think, but buying a house together would probably be a bad choice at this juncture.

Crv, this is definitely a situation where the money really comes into play, living together at our age would be a LOT harder if money was tight and you had to live in a tiny apartment.

[Liquid Blue]

Arlington (where his gf lives) isn't too bad of an area either, but I would suggest really looking around at the prices for apartments before buying. Also buying is probably not the best idea because like Face said, you're already seeing some more problems pop up.

[ConcreteSchlyrd]

It's tough, but completely worth it if it's the right person.

I started dating a girl three years ago, and we made the decision about a year into it that we'd move in together. Both of our leases were up, and both of us were unsatisfied with the places we lived at that point, so it just made sense.

The biggest problems were probably in the first six months. We fought a lot about stupid things (grocery shopping was downright painful). On one hand, it's just like any "new roomate" growing pains, where you have to get used to the other person being there all the time. But there were other problems that don't really pop up when you're just rooming with a friend:

-I'm in the same boat as Face, where I'm kind of a messy person (Creative minds are messy, right? I'll just keep trying to convince myself of that.), and she's a person who likes to keep things straight. SOLUTION: She totally takes care of the house, and I help out where I can. For instance, I cook a lot.

-I smoke pot occasionally. She's not down with it--it makes her anxious. She's also not down with me smoking it around her. SOLUTION: I just go elsewhere to smoke (or smoke when she's not around), and have cut down my consumption considerably (I also want to have children sometime in the near future, so I figure it's good for my Little Concs). It's not like I have to lie about whether I smoke or not--I'm very honest about it when I do, I just don't do it in her vicinity.

There are other issues that came up, but the underlying premise is that it's all about the level at which you're both able to compromise. It's a 50-50 give-and-take, and you both have to be comfortable with that. If one side is taking everything, then it's probably not going to work.

Two years down the road, things are fantastic. I know I can always come home from work and have someone who rubs my shoulders and lets me unload the ridiculous stories from my day*. We make each other laugh. I do my best every day to make sure she knows how special she is to me, and she reciprocates. It's great. Would I do it again with the same person? Absolutely.

* - Had a woman from New Mexico today who called in and claimed that our "telecommunications link" was messing with her "foot coordinates," whatever the fuck that means. I would've just hung up on her, but she said she was going to sue my company if we didn't "take care of it." After a bit of detective work (oh Nickname, where are you when I need you?), I found out that she was a mental patient who was convinced that she had implants in her body that made her turn into a computer. Hells yeah.

[Facetious]

Arlington (where his gf lives) isn't too bad of an area either, but I would suggest really looking around at the prices for apartments before buying. Also buying is probably not the best idea because like Face said, you're already seeing some more problems pop up.

From what I've seen, Arlington is one of the worst areas to live. The housing is expensive, and the perks (a zillion overcrowded bars filled with sorority/frat types) aren't worth it.

[Ephemeral]

Bio
The key would be about what each person's expectations are, particularly regarding commitment.

[Fit of Rage]

Face, we talked about it last night and I think most of the issue was that her family is pretty different from mine. Her mom is the matriarch and pretty much tells her dad what to do all the time. My family is a little more equal, if not having my dad in charge. Some of that obviously rubbed off on her, so she feels like if she isn't giving the orders, something's wrong. Anyway, I think we pretty much have it worked out.

You're right, little things are important and I guess we're going to try to work on not letting little things blow up, but rather work on them.

[Jeenyuss]

bio i'm just taking something like this in christian ethics class right now.

apparently their is a much higher success rate for marriages when the people don't live together before taking the plunge over people who live with eachother for a while before marrying. i donno.

[Noah]

It's all about how well you know her, how much you love her, and how much you want to share with her.

Nobody will answer those questions in the same way, and there is no universally "right condition" for you to move in on. You're over analyzing it.

At some point, you'll be in the position where moving in together is the only right step to make, and you can use the time you need to answer the questions you need answer to.

The experience others has had is worth nothing for you, because nobody here is you and is together with your girlfriend.

As conc said tho; It's awesome if it works out.

Also, try to to go into it one step at the time, if you can be at one place together first a week, then back to normal, then 2 weeks, then a month etc etc.

I'm supposed to live with my girlfriend, but fate had a cruel twist for us, and she got a school spot 4 hours away from me, in a shitty city that has no conditions for me to have my life. She moved out and up there, and we're seeing each other as much as possible, and going to move back in together when her school can't hold us back anymore.

One last thing: Communication is going to be the most important aspect of your relationship, make sure you can talk about stuff like economy, chores and intimate personal things. I can't stress this enough, communication in a relationship is an art and the glue that keeps you together.