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Fuck so earlier today I was filling out an application online for a job as a Wal-Mart greeter because that is the only job I can get with my masters degree in African American studies (know thy enemy) when I got to the part where they ask a bunch of pointless questions about whether or not you would steal from them and whether people think you are a go getter with an above average length penis just in case there is anyone dumb enough to sabotage their own application by picking the bad answers! I was on the forty fifth FUCKING question out of at least 80 because big faceless corporations don't see anything wrong with wasting my time when my internet connection flickered momentarily due to the radiation constantly coming of my powerful superhero body interfering with the satellites in space! Suddenly I realized because the quiz was all in one script instead of individual html pages that all my answers had been lost and I EXPLODED in inhuman fury so extreme that I LITERALLY punched my computer screen so hard it went through the internet and KILLED the guy who programmed the FUCKING QUIZ!
Since my computer was now reduced to a smoking heap of cinders unrecognizable as a product of human manufacture, I headed over to the library to use their computers to finish my incredible decades long job hunt (this year is gonna be THE year!!!!) and when I arrived every head turned because I just happened to be rocking out to C+C Music Factory's BIGGEST hits on my huge fucking boom box and I didn't give a fuck!
I sauntered over to MY computer, you know it is MINE because I told my friend from another country on instant messaging that it was my favorite a few years ago, and this fucking ASSHOLE had dared to use my computer so I politely asked him to make way by smashing my FUNK BOX the fuck on his fucking head so hard his skull was crushed so fast it made a SONIC BOOM that blew out all the windows in the entire city and transformed his brain into a pink vapor that covered the entire interior surface of the building!
I started to use the computer to find a new life path but my massive roid muscles on my fingers were too big to press the keys and my titanium hard hands crushed the keyboard to powder instantaneously! I tried to use the mouse but it instantly crumpled at the lightest possible fraction of a touch!
All of a fuck suddenly this fucking mousey librarian came up to me and had just said "Umm, excuse me, Mr. Muscle Mystery" when I spun around in my chair so fast that the air I moved eventually turned into hurricane Katrina thanks to chaos theory and screamed "WHAT!!!!!" so loud that she winced so hard she nearly fell to her knees! "Umm, it's just that, uhh, Mr. Mystery, that umm, you have a book overdue!" she started talking faster as my face started to match the color of my neck due to my psychotic insane fury "it's just that you need to turn it in and it'd be really nice if you could bring it back because it was due over 10,000 days ago!" Finally I screamed "HERE, FINE, TAKE IT, GEEZ!!!!!" and I pulled it, The Essential Captain America volume four with crusty grease and shit stains on all the pages (seriously it was like that when I got it
), out of the lining of my crotch zipper and threw it at her so hard it crushed her chest so much both her lungs collapsed and she couldn't even tell me about the dollar per day late fee!
Anyfuck, I couldn't find a job because all the listing sites made you sign up and I'm too insanely paranoid of identity theft to give them my email address! On my way out I pressed the button on the computer to turn it off immediately sent it smashing through the wall leaving a computer shaped hole and flying through the air until it went into orbit and crashed into DOZENS of internet and phone service satellites PERMENENTLY CRIPPLING the ENTIRE INTERNET! If you are wondering how you can possibly be reading this if that is the case and you are questioning the veracity of this story then do yourself a favor and FUCK OFF! This story is TRUE, and if you disagree then seriously, KISS MY ASS!
Since my computer was now reduced to a smoking heap of cinders unrecognizable as a product of human manufacture, I headed over to the library to use their computers to finish my incredible decades long job hunt (this year is gonna be THE year!!!!) and when I arrived every head turned because I just happened to be rocking out to C+C Music Factory's BIGGEST hits on my huge fucking boom box and I didn't give a fuck!
I sauntered over to MY computer, you know it is MINE because I told my friend from another country on instant messaging that it was my favorite a few years ago, and this fucking ASSHOLE had dared to use my computer so I politely asked him to make way by smashing my FUNK BOX the fuck on his fucking head so hard his skull was crushed so fast it made a SONIC BOOM that blew out all the windows in the entire city and transformed his brain into a pink vapor that covered the entire interior surface of the building!
I started to use the computer to find a new life path but my massive roid muscles on my fingers were too big to press the keys and my titanium hard hands crushed the keyboard to powder instantaneously! I tried to use the mouse but it instantly crumpled at the lightest possible fraction of a touch!
All of a fuck suddenly this fucking mousey librarian came up to me and had just said "Umm, excuse me, Mr. Muscle Mystery" when I spun around in my chair so fast that the air I moved eventually turned into hurricane Katrina thanks to chaos theory and screamed "WHAT!!!!!" so loud that she winced so hard she nearly fell to her knees! "Umm, it's just that, uhh, Mr. Mystery, that umm, you have a book overdue!" she started talking faster as my face started to match the color of my neck due to my psychotic insane fury "it's just that you need to turn it in and it'd be really nice if you could bring it back because it was due over 10,000 days ago!" Finally I screamed "HERE, FINE, TAKE IT, GEEZ!!!!!" and I pulled it, The Essential Captain America volume four with crusty grease and shit stains on all the pages (seriously it was like that when I got it
), out of the lining of my crotch zipper and threw it at her so hard it crushed her chest so much both her lungs collapsed and she couldn't even tell me about the dollar per day late fee! Anyfuck, I couldn't find a job because all the listing sites made you sign up and I'm too insanely paranoid of identity theft to give them my email address! On my way out I pressed the button on the computer to turn it off immediately sent it smashing through the wall leaving a computer shaped hole and flying through the air until it went into orbit and crashed into DOZENS of internet and phone service satellites PERMENENTLY CRIPPLING the ENTIRE INTERNET! If you are wondering how you can possibly be reading this if that is the case and you are questioning the veracity of this story then do yourself a favor and FUCK OFF! This story is TRUE, and if you disagree then seriously, KISS MY ASS!
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