Spoof

[T3l Ca7]

In this thread, we will post funny fake stories.

I'll start ...

[T3l Ca7]

Susan Boyle Arrested at al-Qaeda Compound in Pakistan

Itsallagame, Pakistan-- Singer Susan Boyle was arrested by US Navy Seals during the raid at the bin Laden compound in Pakistan last week. The surprising arrest shocked everyone--apparently Susan has been a member of al-Qaeda for many, many years.

Terrorism experts believe she was the head of the European branch of al-Qaeda, and sent secret messages to other members through her songs. Right now, Susan is on the way to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba for some serious water-boarding.

Navy Seals say Susan put up quite a fight on the night of her arrest. Susan launched a few grenades at the Seals when they first attacked the compound. She also fired several bursts from a machine gun to defend herself. When Susan was disarmed, she attacked the Navy Seals with judo, kung fu and karate. It took five of the burly Navy Seals just to hold Susan down, and put her in restraints.

Susan was also arrested wearing nothing more than a see-through nightie. Nude photos of Susan were also discovered on bin Laden's computer. Investigators believe Susan and bin Laden have been lovers since at least 2001. Whips, chains, and other S/M paraphernalia were also discovered at the compound.

When a Navy Seal shouted a question to Susan about why she did it, she gave a quick response:

"Everyone treated me like crap when I was growing up! It was my revenge! I wish I had 1,000 nuclear bombs to kill you all!" she growled before being taken away.

Source here

[Raver420]

Ilya:Wanna cyber?
TelCat: but don't tell anybody ;-)
TelCat:What do you likke again and what do you do??
Ilya: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Ilya:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
TelCat:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Ilya:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
TelCat: Haha! OK
TelCat:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Ilya:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
TelCat:I want everything, baby!
Ilya:Is this a delivery?
TelCat:Umm...Yes
TelCat:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Ilya:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
TelCat:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Ilya:You can't hurry good pizza.
Ilya:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
TelCat:So you're at my front door now.
Ilya:How did you know?
Ilya:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Ilya:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
TelCat: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Ilya:So you're still in the bathroom?
TelCat:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Ilya:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
TelCat:What the fuck?
TelCat:You perverted piece of shit
TelCat:Fuck

[Raver420]

- Keeping it real ilyaZ

[gran guerrero]

Ilya:Wanna cyber?
TelCat: but don't tell anybody ;-)
TelCat:What do you likke again and what do you do??
Ilya: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Ilya:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
TelCat:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Ilya:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
TelCat: Haha! OK
TelCat:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Ilya:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
TelCat:I want everything, baby!
Ilya:Is this a delivery?
TelCat:Umm...Yes
TelCat:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Ilya:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
TelCat:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Ilya:You can't hurry good pizza.
Ilya:I'm on my way now though
**pause**
TelCat:So you're at my front door now.
Ilya:How did you know?
Ilya:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Ilya:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
TelCat: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Ilya:So you're still in the bathroom?
TelCat:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Ilya:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
TelCat:What the fuck?
TelCat:You perverted piece of shit
TelCat:Fuck

hahahhaahhahahaha +1

[T3l Ca7]

Agent Put His Wife on Terrorist List

An immigration officer tried to rid himself of his wife by adding her name to a list of terrorist suspects.

According to an anonyms sourse, the agent, whose facebook name was Raven420 used his access to security databases to include his wife, Dane Goddiss on a watch list of people banned from boarding flights into US because their presence in the country is ‘not conducive to the public good’.

As a result the woman was unable for three years to return from Pakistan after travelling to the county to visit family.

[Raver420]

An immigration officer tried to rid himself of his wife by adding her name to a list of terrorist suspects.

According to an anonyms sourse, the agent, whose facebook name was Raven420 used his access to security databases to include his wife, Dane Goddiss on a watch list of people banned from boarding flights into US because their presence in the country is ‘not conducive to the public good’.

As a result the woman was unable for three years to return from Pakistan after travelling to the county to visit family.

Damn that Raven420 - caw caw



granguerrero: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
TelCat: Aight.
granguerrero: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
TelCat: I slip out of my pants, just for you, Gran.
granguerrero: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
TelCat: Oh, I like to play dress up.
granguerrero: Me too baby.
TelCat: I kiss you softly on your chest.
granguerrero: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
Telcat: Hey...
granguerrero: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
TelCat: Funny I still don't see it.
granguerrero: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
TelCat: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
granguerrero: Don't **** with me biznitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
granguerrero: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl 2 Druid.
Telcat: Don't ever message me again you piece. of shit
granguerrero: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
granguerrero: King Jason congratulates me for destroying Dr. Tones evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Kthx steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
granguerrero: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
granguerrero: Baby?


"ban list" ??????????????????????????

5944
^5945 by Mr. 420 2003-11-21 17:08 days:30 Sir Banks A Lot
^5946 by Da Farmer! 2003-11-21 17:20 days:5 kaos94
^5947 by Cpt.Guano! 2003-11-21 19:49 days:1 Favelle
^5948 by M_M God 2003-11-22 07:14 days:3 floff!!! <EZ>
5949
^5950 by Mr. 420 2003-11-22 07:35 days:7 Guzzle
^5951 by Da Farmer! 2003-11-22 08:13 days:7 DEA
^5952 by Mr. 420 2003-11-22 13:09 days:7 Spade
^5953 by Mootland < 2003-11-22 19:05 days:3 ALKUWAITI
^5954 by Mr. 420 2003-11-22 21:42 days:3 x lax
^5955 by Da Farmer! 2003-11-22 23:51 days:7 ilovetking
^5956 by Mr. 420 2003-11-22 23:55 days:15 Iago
#5957 by Cpt.Guano! 2003-11-23 00:03 days:0 Whats this? <ZH>
^5958 by RoboHelp 2003-11-23 02:43 days:1 InuYasha (with a gun)
^5959 by M_M God 2003-11-23 09:01 days:3 himada
^5960 by BobR 2003-11-23 13:43 days:3 Whatsank
^5961 by F22 Raptor 2003-11-23 14:05 days:1 155 Watts
^5962 by Mr. 420 2003-11-23 14:18 days:7 DaRkEviLKeNsHiN
^5963 by Spider 2003-11-23 19:24 days:3 night.wz
^5964 by Mr. 420 2003-11-23 20:56 days:50 Googs
^5965 by Mr. 420 2003-11-23 20:59 days:30 Soar
^5966 by Mr. 420 2003-11-23 21:25 days:15 Crypt Killer
^5967 by Mr. 420 2003-11-23 22:23 days:30 Klipsch
^5968 by Mr. 420 2003-11-24 01:45 days:3 Daniel-bro-of-lilrin
^5969 by Pure_Luck 2003-11-24 05:09 days:1 dan
^5970 by BLeeN 2003-11-24 11:08 days:7 100percentUSA
^5971 by Warthog 2003-11-24 16:07 days:7 adaM
^5972 by Arilou Lal 2003-11-24 16:26 days:3 FatalAttraction
^5973 by GooBeR! 2003-11-24 16:52 days:3 Tanuktolan02
^5974 by Mr. 420 2003-11-24 18:51 days:30 KILL THE CLOAKERS
#5975 by YoMama!!! 2003-11-24 20:01 days:0 weawer <ZH>
5976
^5977 by Pure_Luck 2003-11-24 21:40 days:5 Unforgiven destiny
^5978 by Mr. 420 2003-11-25 03:27 days:15 Jai
^5979 by Pure_Luck 2003-11-25 03:45 days:5 hound of hell
^5980 by RoboHelp 2003-11-25 04:12 days:1 Flex
^5981 by Mr. 420 2003-11-25 07:16 days:15 Knuutikeko
^5982 by Cpt.Guano! 2003-11-25 08:28 days:3 Space Crawly
^5983 by M_M God 2003-11-25 09:30 days:3 homo6
^5984 by Mr. 420 2003-11-25 13:22 days:30 WhiteyTheCoonKiller
^5985 by Mr. 420 2003-11-25 13:40 days:7 Trigga
^5986 by Disqualifi 2003-11-25 14:38 days:3 A motherless goat
^5987 by F22 Raptor 2003-11-25 17:24 days:3 Hells
^5988 by Mr. 420 2003-11-25 17:25 days:7 Omnipresence

[gran guerrero]

this thread is getting good, fuck you wark for stealin mai thunda!

[T3l Ca7]

[apt]

hey telcat, where are your naked titties at?

[D1st0rt]

australia

[T3l Ca7]

[T3l Ca7]

News Study: Many Americans Too Fat To Commit Suicide

LOS ANGELES—A report published Monday in The New England Journal of Medicine warns that the nation's obesity epidemic has reached a new level of crisis, with many overweight Americans' increased girth rendering them physically unable to end their own, fat lives. Americans who have no choice but to keep on living.

"We've known for some time that obesity can cause heart disease, diabetes, strokes, and other potentially life-threatening illnesses," said report author Dr. Marjorie Reese, director of UCLA's Obesity Pathology Clinic. "But the fact that obesity impedes suicide is truly troubling. It appears that the more reason people have to die, the less capable they are of doing so. They are literally trapped in their grotesque, blubbery bodies."

Of the one-third of Americans classified as obese, the report estimated 29 percent are too heavy, immobile, or both for suicide to be a viable option. This figure is up from 18 percent in 1996.

A full 70 pages of the report focus on suicide methods that are taken for granted by persons of normal weight but often present insurmountable challenges to their corpulent counter- parts.

For example, hanging oneself is most often out of the question. The report notes that a disturbing percentage of the obese are too large to ascend a footstool, too inflexible to kick it out from under them, and even if they could, are too heavy to remain atop it long enough to put their giant, flabby necks through a noose before the footstool shatters into splinters under their massive girth. Plus, as Reese writes, "even if all other variables were eliminated, the weight of these enormous individuals would probably break any indoor light fixtures or attic roof supports to which they might tie a rope."

Overdosing on narcotics is also impossible, according to Reese.

"Body fat absorbs toxins, so fat people simply cannot ingest enough bottles of sleeping pills to have any effect, much less stop their hearts," Reese said. "And slitting one's wrists in the bathtub is not an option if you can't find a butcher knife thick enough to reach the arteries under your rolls of wrist flab, or can't fit into the bathtub in the first place. All the self-loathing in the world is not going to help the obese get their meaty index fingers through the trigger guard, nor give them the flexibility to raise the pistol to their head. It's heartbreaking."

The report included detailed illustrations of extremely overweight people unable to bend over far enough to fit their heads into ovens, bobbing like corks while attempting to drown themselves, and becoming too winded scaling stairs to reach heights from which they could hurl their enormous bulk with fatal results. Another researcher at the Obesity Pathology Clinic has developed a computer model which demonstrates that even if the obese were able to jump off a skyscraper, their bodies would be "more likely to bounce than splat."

Yet health experts say that there is hope for these hulking individuals.

"The fat need to improve their eating habits and commit to a modest exercise regimen, even if it starts with just walking from room to room inside their houses," said Dianne Evans, a specialist at the Johns Hopkins Center for Public Health. "If they keep that up for six to 12 months, most of these people could lose enough weight to be able to kill themselves with relative ease."

But Evans warned that losing too much weight too fast could have serious repercussions.

"What you want to avoid is a situation where someone comes down from 320 pounds to 240 in the span of a single year, and suddenly does not have the suicidal urges they once did," said Evans, who explained that the "sweet spot" of self-hatred and physical suicidal ability is extremely small. "If they mistake their all-but-meaningless improvement for a legitimate reason to live, their fat, revolting lives may be prolonged indefinitely."


http://www.theonion.com/articles/stu...-suicide,2218/

[T3l Ca7]

Counterfeit Higgs-Bosons flood eBay!

eBay has been inundated with suspicious-looking listings from people offering a ‘unique chance to own a piece of scientific history in the colour of your choice’.

Listings with objects that resemble ping pong balls and painted golf balls are being watched by thousands of people incapable of reading a newspaper.

Regular eBay user Simon Williams told us, “I bought a Rolex on eBay for £100 once, it was a bargain and I was hooked. And this is equally as good a deal, isn’t it?”

“I mean, £200 for a Higgs Boson? Who wouldn’t want that? CERN spent billions just trying to created one, and I get mine in a display case. More fool them.”
Higgs Boson on eBay

Watchers of the many auctions are keen to ensure they don’t get gazumped at the last minute.

Sheila Matthews told us, “I’ve been searching for a Higgs Boson that matches my curtains, and this one in ‘Wild Primrose’ will go lovely with my curtains.”

“But there are 128 watchers, and I’m not willing to go over £135. I don’t care if it helps explain the origins of the universe, for that money I’d rather just get a lamp.”

Read more: http://newsthump.com/2012/07/05/coun...#ixzz1zkeBxCcY

[kthx]

This thread is weird, I like it kinda. Hi Ilya.