Tidbits of emails

[Adman]

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.


Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, out it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think if it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for!

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is!

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[Adman]

Chain letter

Hello, my name is Amber and I suffer from the guilt of
not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent
to me by people who actually believe that if you send
them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a
breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough
money to have it removed before her redneck parents
sell her to a traveling freak show.
>
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to
give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email,
$1000?
>
How stupid are we?
>
"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and
make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to
run into the next day!"
>
What a bunch of bullshit.
>
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into
my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not
continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in
5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on
the Mayflower.
>
Fuck them.
>
If you're going to forward something, at least send me
something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this
to 10 of your closest friends,and this poor, wretched
excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel
from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
>
I don't fucking care.
>
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out these
forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
>
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's
threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the
rest of your life, delete it.
>
If it's funny, send it on.
>
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about
a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to
the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only
salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if
you forward this email.
>
Now forward this to everyone you know.
>
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn
carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
>
> > > > >
>
> > > > > Have a nice day.
>

[Adman]

hehehe

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his
> > > > > cell
> > > > > phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
> > > > > drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces,
> > > > >
> > > > > his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25
> > > > > pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
> > > > > pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North,
> > > > > folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
> > > > > Congratulations showered him from all round. One woman actually
> > > > > fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Canadian returns
>to
> > > > > the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that
> > > > > typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't
> > > > > you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two
> > > > > weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh
>now?"
> > > > > The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is
> > > > > puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25
> > > > > pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig
> > > > > from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into
> > the
> > > > >
> > > > > bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
> > > > >
> > > > > I Am Canadian

[Adman]

silliness.

How weird is this....?
>
>While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with
>your right foot.
>
>While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with
>your right hand.
>
>
>Did your foot change direction??

[Adman]

>What's it's Name?

>
>
>
>This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But
>what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."
>
>When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of
>your penis?"
>
>The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
>
>The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
>name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan,
>'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,'
>because 'It really Satisfies."
>
>The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a
>second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who
>is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
>
>The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
>
>The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
>
>The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"
>
>A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is
>sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"
>
>The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job
>1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
>
>Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up
>with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,
>"The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."
>
>The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look
>asks, "Why secret?"
>
>The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
>WOMAN!"

[Mayo Inc.]

that foot thing is crazy

[Adman]

lol

A blonde was chatting with her building manager when she
> happened to mention that the tenants in the apartment above
> hers were awfully noisy.
>
> "Most nights, they stomp around up there as if they will
> killing cockroaches or something. All evening, this goes on,
> until around midnight."
>
> "That's terrible," said the building manager. "Do you want me
> to speak to them about it?"
>
> "Oh, no, it's not necessary," said the blonde. "It doesn't keep
> me up or anything, because, most nights, I usually stay up and
> practice my trumpet 'til about that time anyway."