Tweet
Subject: Animal house
> Dear Dogs and Cats,
>
> When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
> positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
> The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
> paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
> it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
> pleasing in the slightest.
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
> Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
> because I fall faster than you can run.
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
> sorry
> about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
> ensure
> your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can
> actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
> to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
> that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
> other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
> My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
> If
> by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
> not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
> under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
> same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for
> years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
> The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs'
> butt. I
> cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
> To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
> door...
> Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
> Pets:
> 1. They live here. You don't.
> 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
> furniture.
> 3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
> 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
> son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
> clearly.
> 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
> for
> money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
>
> drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
> drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your
> clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
> pregnant, you can sell the results!
> Dear Dogs and Cats,
>
> When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch
> positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
> The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
> paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
> it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
> pleasing in the slightest.
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
> Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
> because I fall faster than you can run.
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very
> sorry
> about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
> ensure
> your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can
> actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
> to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
> that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
> other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
> My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
> If
> by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
> not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
> under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
> same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for
> years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
> The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs'
> butt. I
> cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
> To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
> door...
> Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
> Pets:
> 1. They live here. You don't.
> 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
> furniture.
> 3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
> 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
> son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
> clearly.
> 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
> for
> money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
>
> drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
> drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your
> clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
> pregnant, you can sell the results!