poem

[sixtoo]

I should have been watching you

daylight slipping away
down the mountainside
over the trees and their vines

and I look up past your eyes
through the windows I stair
as the feelings have disappeared

so much beauty out there

as the shadows reach for the box
the place turns yellowish light
an everything seems alright
except that this is the last day I get to spend with you
and now its dark and its through

I should have been watching you

[Dim]

that's neat

[FFLeader]

Very nice, get it copyrighted

[sixtoo]

no one cuts the corners
it gets too bright
we need some music
to stay up all night
I was all the way back home
I can't see your face
can you see mine?
its going some place

no one wants brushes
can't find them at the store
pass me my jeans
for you say they don't crease

just wasting over there
leave the day free
just wasted dreams

[Troll King]

You might want to tighten up on the spelling and syntax. I'm not sure if you're trying a play on words or making a reference to stairs, but I think you wanted "stare".

The "there's so much beauty out there" seems to stick out because of the line breaks. I don't know if the phrasing/imagery is strong enough to be singled out like that, especially since the only other lines that get the same treatment is the first and last.

The light/alright rhyme also sticks out a bit. The poem doesn't rely too much on rhyme so when it does rhyme, it's noticeable. Of course, the "you/through" rhyme follows it, but that rhyme is a bit smoother and feels more natural. Light/alright seems a bit forced. I know that the "alright" line throws a bit of hope into the middle of that section leading to the "except that...", but the effect of that little turning point is lost in the obvious rhyme.

[sixtoo]

FF, you will be in my heart always

TK, I've been waiting on your analysis for awhile and I thank you for taking your time to critique what was written .... its actually supposed to be sung in a song though. I agree with what you've said about the poem not really rhyming much other then few parts, but when I write poetry, I forget about rules and regulations, and just let thoughts take to air. Most of the stuff I read, takes away from the actual emotion at hand and relies more on the rhyming of words then anything. but once again, TK thanks, as I'm sure you know , your one of the only people on this forum with something interesting to be said. keep it up