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Major Crisis couldn't make it this week, and asked me to fill in for him.
Dice vs. Force
15:00 - 9:34
Speaking of things to fill -- Olde's butthole. Cripple (121-40) shoved his fat cuban cock so deep into Olde his colon was speaking Spanish, as the TWL website lists his RPD at 0.2, which may or may not be a bot error -- hard to tell. Man reps so much Air he might as well be a Nike salesman.
JAMAL (94-50) took time of out celebrating the Cavs championship to shit on Steph Curry (69-66, subbed out) a second time, as the Harrison Barnes of Force, Milosh, came in with an uninspiring 2.6 RPD, which isn't surprising -- Harrison Barnes can't hit 3, either.
Completing Dice's lineup was Beanie (61-52), wbm (89-42), and Stayon (87-31) in spider, Mythril (3.1 RPD) and Oder (2.8 RPD) in shark, and megaman89 (28-8) at the terrier position. Mega, being on the West Coast, finally has playable lag now that all the Golden State Warriors bandwagon fans have stopped googling "Steff Curry the first unanimous MVP?" nonstop for the past two months.
Force did manage a nice comeback mid-to-late game, powered by solid outings from pavement (85-68), bram (69-62), Omega Red (69-45), and TheWadoRooster (62-54) in spider, and some serviceable (albeit overly aggressive) terring from Zizzo (31-13, 2 teks), but it wasn't enough to down a strong Dice line.
HOT: Cripple
NOT: Olde (0.2 RPD), the sharking equivalent of Dwight Howard's condom supplier.
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LEGO vs. Dynasty
15:00 - 9:29
Mikkiz (30-6, 3 teks) anchored LEGO to a solid victory ahead of DF (2.8 RPD) and DSB (2.8 RPD) in shark, as TJ Hazuki (101-63) led all spiders, leading Jatt (90-32), Gurliver (84-51), Pat Charminsoft (81-54), and joemoma (64-39).
For Dynasty, ribbet (20-15) found himself outclassed in terr, although, like the McRibblet, did make a brief comeback. Jerome (2.7 RPD) and not in game (2.5 RPD) sharked, while Server (87-55) and temujin (80-70) were the standout spiders on a losing side, pushing LEGO to a score a bit too close for a comfort.
Great effort from Dynasty here to make this competitive, hopefully they can maintain the momentum. Meanwhile, LEGO continues to impress after a stellar upset of Dice last Sunday.
HOT: TJ Hazuki
HOT: Server
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Thunder vs. Force
15:00-6:44
Zizzo (32-9) terred ahead of healt (2.8 RPD) and milosh (2.6 RPD), as the trio played well considering how tough of a match it was and how much their spiders struggled, as pavement (48-47), Steph Curry (47-54), and TheWadoRooster (42-59) struggled, with only i.d. (74-49) and bram (66-59) able to go blow-for-blow with Thunder's top-flight spiders.
Ogron (34-2) terred ahead of Zidane (3.0 RPD, 3 Teks) and Mattey (2.9 RPD), who combined for an impressive 60 kills, with Ro (88-30) capturing his umpteenth MVP, alongside Mcvicar (82-43), M_M God (73-30), JURASSIC (72-35), and Mr. Homo (58-42).
Force put up some solid minutes, and looked fantastic in Week 2, nearly toppling Cobra. Look for them to try to pull some upsets in the weeks to come, especially against LEGO, who they match up closely with.
HOT: Ro
HOT: Mattey and Zidane
NOT: pavement (48-47). After much hubbub in forums ensuring his eligibility and a very strong TWDT-B 2016 campaign in spider, pavement's season opener was, like Mattey in an trench coat exposing himself to random passerby's, underwhelming.
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Cobra vs. LEGO
15:00 - 5:20
After an uninspiring win versus a Dice half-line and a close call against Force in Week 2, Cobra finally put their foot on an opponent's throat like people expected one of the three championship contenders to do, decimating LEGO by a whopping ten minutes.
Pressure (38-1) was almost flawless in terr, holding an ace until the final minute, ahead of strong shark play from TWLB S19 Champion Commodo (3.0 RPD) and TWLB S17 Champion Vatican Assassin (3.1 RPD), as the recalcitrant duo left nothing to chance.
Turban (104-39) continued his superb spider play this year after winning TWDT-B 2016, not only being the only player to hit 100 kills this game, but the only one to reach even 90. Veterans Trasher (82-22), squallFF8 (78-28), skatarius (80-35), and Ricko (65-30) made short work of the Legonians.
On the losing side, Mikkiz (29-7) played very well despite his team being outkilled by 178 (!!), but could do little as the Cobramin ran roughshod over Markmrw (2.7 RPD) and Valker (2.8 RPD) in shark, and poor spidering performances in Murder, NL>Trigger, Pat B, Rab, and TJ Hazuki.
HOT: Pressure
HOT: Turban
NOT: NL>Trigger (36-48). Really awful performance from one of the best underspiders in TWLB history. Needed a bigtime performance from him for LEGO to have a chance, and instead the man was painting walls with bullets like his coach was Mr. Miyagi. Netherlands may send Canada tulips to plant as a thanks for their liberation during WWII, but the only two lips you planted today were firmly on Cobra's shaft.
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Thunder vs. Cobra
15:00-11:57
I would describe this match as, uh, perhaps not as tight as the score indicated, although it did end up being a somewhat close affair. While Thunder's spiders notched an extra 15 kills, both teams had the same amount of deaths, as Zidane (2.9 RPD) recorded more TKs this game than any other shark has the entire season -- 16!! With 0 Teks. That's some Steph Curry playoff assist-to-turnover ratio shit right there.
This was the scene in the game:
Pressure (42-7) led a late cram break and comeback behind Commodo (3.0 RPD) and Vatican Assassin (2.9 RPD), but never quite got within striking distance as Thunder's lead proved unassailable.
Turban (118-70) continued to make a case for being the best spider in TWLB this season, outkilling everyone on both teams, ahead of skatarius (95-60), Trasher (82-56), squallFF8 (68-50), and Ricko (52-38) subbing in for Megalo (6-14), who proved too much of a liability early.
Ogron (48-2, 3 teks) terred ahead of the aforementioned Zidane and Mattey (2.9 RPD), who, despite being hundreds of miles from home and in another state, found enough hatred in his heart for Thix to log-on and run a non-stop bombing and cram-mining campaign that Zid affectionately termed 'Maximum Disrespect'.
Ro (103-51), Davy (99-53), and M_M God (92-56) led the top push, slicing through Cobra's frontline as mcvicar (72-62) and Hulk (68-57) reunited for the first time since S19 to defend under ably.
HOT: Hulk and Mcvicar (forcing a sub-out and dominating under)
HOT: Turban
NOT: Megalo (6-14). It was only three seasons ago Megalo MVP'd the All-Star game with a 180 kill performance. I was going to say 'like Icarus you flew too close to the sun' but that would require you actually aiming your ship in the right direction to reach said flaming ball in space.
If I had to give you a compliment, I would say you have laser-like aim -- in that your require laser eye surgery to aim.
That's all for this week, folks, expect Major Crisis back at it for Week 4 of TWLB S21!
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