Some low brow humour

[Amok]

Warning: Contains partial nudity.

http://www.darkexile.com/funny/abc.swf

[Mr. Peanuts]

damn, I'll be happy next time I say my ABCs

[Ewan]

I just get a white screen when I open it..

:/

~E

[An UnKnOwN KiLLa]

It's Just Loading
Try waiting? hehehe

[ZeUs!!]

Peter Kay classics

If you don't know who Peter Kay is, shame on you and I'm sure someone eager to prove they're clever will fill you in (he's a comedian):




I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new
bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so
I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
You better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they
made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

You know that look women have when they want sex? Me neither.

[Mr. Peanuts]

Another addition to that list:

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi Jam'min.

[Amok]

Zeus, those jokes remind me of an Aussie comedian called Elliot Goblet, you've probably never heard of him, but he was funny because he did some good short-liners like that Peter Kay guy, but Goblet told all his jokes with a completely straight face, never even smiled. Sometimes you could see him trying hard not to break his poker face.

[Mr. Peanuts]

I hate people who try to do it with a straight face.

[Ewan]

Tim Vine all the way:


"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

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"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

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"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

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I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

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So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

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"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'