Hornys Sex School!

[Horny Elf]

This was orginally made for the Sk8 forum and im pretty sure some of you have seen it before. Somebody sed it might be a fun idea to put it over here for the amusement and enlightment of a bigger audicence of nerds and virgins.

(If it gets deleted the mod who did it will be harassed for virginism)

Lession 1.
The penis.
The penis is the male reproduction organ. When god made the penis he was fucking drunk and decided to screw all boys over so he made the ugliest piece of wank ever created in the nature. Ohwell, deal with it.
The penis ranges from about 5" (underground) to about 15" (me ofc). The size of your penis is a scale often used to measure manhood and coolness. Thus underground sux and i rock \o/

Anyway. The penis`s most sensitive areas are the head and shaft. If rubbed/licked etc. the penis will after a while (4 seconds if ur under and about 4 hours if your me) shoot out a load called SEMEN. THe semen is the stuff that runs inside the vagina (lesson 2 tomorrow) and finds the egg and decides, hey lets take a dive into that egg and make babies.

Lesson 2 tomorrow THE VAGINA.


Today: The VAGINA.
The vagina is the FEMALE reproduction organ and something 99% of you virgin nerds have neverever seen in real life, and no you havent seen a vagina if youve walked in on your mom or sister showering. First of all, most vaginas do not look like those in the porn mags or on the net. Most girls nowadays do shave (my experiences anyway, if your an arab im pretty sure you have diffrent views on that) but youll have to look for quite a while if you want those perfect "hamburger" shaped vaginas as they usually are made by plastic surgery.

BUT this doesnt neccessary make them less elite as regular vaginas are HUNDRED AND FIFTHTEEN TIMES MORE WET than the outfucked sluts from the porn mags.

THe most sensitive place on the vagina is the clitoris. (') <- if thats a vagina the dot there is aprox. where the clitoris is placed. Rubbing will make the hoe feel good.

Just too clearify a few points to you nerds:
No, you do not fuck her urinepipe, the urine comes from a tiny whiny hole inside the vagina and if your penis fits in there, there is no hope whatsoever of you getting laid after the first one, words spread like anthrax in america.

The pooper is further down and even if your "cool" friends have told "sick" stories about when they "accidently" penetrated the wrong hole, that does not happend unless your a fucking moron or your so drunk you cant tell if its a rodent or a girl your having sex with.

TOMORROW:
SEX VOL.1

[Horny Elf]

Sex Vol.1
Again, as i picture myself being in you guys`s shoes, staring at this webpage and these wonderfull lesson with my sweet,blue virgin eyes; the first lesson on sexualintercourse will be quite easy for you guys to understand. If someone here has had sex before (lol i know its not very likely,but it could be), that person might find it somewhat stupid. BUT this is made for a bunch of prepubescent zitinfested subspacenerds and i hope for your understanding.

Now back to the rest of you. As i suspect most of you have seen your own penis in the erected condition. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out how the vagina is shaped to fit on the penis BUT AGAIN, after judging my audience i have decided to say some words about that aswell.
Picture you have somekinda moldingpaste and you stuff a banana up in the moldingpaste, the hole the banana leaves after removal is somewhat what the vagina looks like. Its a bad example but you get the fucking picture.

Having sex is swapping the banana with THE PENIS (see lesson 1) and putting it in and out of the hole (also called THE VAGINA). This may for all of you sound like something really fucking stupid to do but im pretty sure all of you would be wanting more after the first time.

Is that all to it ? No, im afraid not. Or let me rephrase, it CAN be. First before you can answer that question, let me ask you something. Do you want girls talking about ? Do you want busloads of hoes running to you BEGGING you to fuck their brains out ? If the answer is YES, having sex is ALOT more than putting the penis in and out of the vagina.

Thats why I have personally invented something i like to call forplay / vorspiel. Its well known (fuck forgot the audience again) i mean, girls need more stimulation that men to reach climax. Therefor even if you have stamina like a fucking greek god, there is a risk you wont please the hoe just by putting your penis in and out of her vagina. Therefor AFTER luring her into your bedrom (how you are going to manage this is beyond me and im afraid i cant help you there either. What? Im good at this but not that fucking good, geez) start the intercourse by stroking/licking/rubbing her ERGONE zones.

A girl has SHITLOADS of these, its really just pick a fucking spot and its an ergone zone, but good tips are the inside of her thigh, under her knee, tits / nipple, ear, neck.

After doing that for like 10 mins go on to the vagina. This will probably sound gross to you and it did to me aswell at first, but when your in the setting its not really that bad and the vagina does NOT smell like the penis. Lick, rub, etc etc. For atleast a good 15 mins.

NOW YOUR READY. For sex lesson vol.2

More dripping info tomorrow guys. Hope i havent lost to many already.

[Horny Elf]

Sex Vol.2
You are now ready for IT to happend. The tramp is lying there with her head full of expectations and your so nervous, the scream of a mouse would make you piss her down. You crawl up into a position with makes you comfortable (misionary is good for starters, thats her on the back you on your stomace between her legs)

And now we come to a point where the VETS argue, but take my advice here, im the leetest vet. Should YOU put it in or let HER do it ? Some says making her do it makes you look like a newbie, but i say the opposite.
The vagina CAN be somewhat like the gate to batmans cave, small in the beginning, getting bigger and bigger after awhile. If you try to be superman and just FORCE it in and shag away, your probably gonna hurt her. So let her do it and start VERY gently (this is like 2 flies in one hit, starting gently = you dont hurt her, you last longer).

The trick to make it look elite is kissing and caressing her neck/tits at the same time, if you stare down between your legs like a maniac its gonna look pretty fucking stupid. Go on slowly and speedup after awhile, a trick to make it last longer is stopping up everytime you feel that "soon no way back"-feeling. Its hard and your probably gonna come within 2-3 minutes, but if you have done what i told you in the beginning its no biggie really, for a first timer you have done very good, for the impression you want to leave her about you, you have done somewhere between OK and DECENT.

OFCOURSE the easiest way to do this is just fuck all ive said so far, get wasted and fuck her for 3 hours. Your not gonna feel anything after 10 beers.

THERE. Virginity is gone. Lets go on to more kinky stuff, tomorrow

Sex Vol.3

[Horny Elf]

Sex Vol.3

Ok lets bring this up a notch. Now im going to reveal one of my biggest and darkest secrets, i was uncertain if i was gonna bring this up, but there is a saying "if youve said A, you gotta say B" so here goes.

My stamina sucks.

Yes. Its true. Its quite the shocker and i can feel the nerdenergy streaming out in frustration and pain from subspaceaddicted computers all around the world. But let me explain and to do so ill use an example that i know you guys will understand.

Theory:
Your stamina in bed is like the energybar in subspace WITHOUT recharge. If you start with 1000 energy you`ll last 100 "dips in the pool" before you come. The only factor that determines how long you last is how slow/fast you "dip it".

BEEP! W R O N G.

Fact:
Your stamina in bed CAN be compared to the energy bar, but WITH recharge, and if your REALLY good, you`ll even know a few tricks that earns you Max. Energy increase greens. As i mentioned in Sex Vol.2 i said something about slowing down and stopping just before you feel "the point of no return". Thats the trick here and that adds a funny homework assignment im going to give you all. During your next masturbation, research "the point of no return". How close to it can you go without comming ? How fast do you "cool down" and get ready for another go.

THIS my dear friends, ss the ESSENCE and the definit CLUE to becomming a fucking greek god in bed. LEARN and STUDY everything about "the point of no return" just like you have studied the stupid aspects of aiming that silly bullet in this pathetic game called subspace. Once you have become king of the point of no return, the world is at your feet. A few hints of what you probably will find out:
After stopping just before the point of no return and cooling off for maybe 20 seconds / 30 seconds your given an almost fresh start. Getting back to the famous point WILL take quite a while and if your lucky, maybe even longer than it took the first time.

Now lets reflect. Doesnt this mean that if you master the point of return good enough, you`ll be able to go on for ever and ever and ever?
Yep. It does. Neat, eh?

Your "first dip" stamina will also improve greatly after a few weeks of regular sex so all in all, by following these hints and tips, you will become someone that the girls talk about and THAT my friends. Is the fucking essence of life. Once you have acheived that, you might aswell quit school, start drinking on a regular basis and go on wealthfare for the rest of your life. The girls will keep pouring in, trust me.

I know i promised to say something about some positions and stuff today, but i have to go eat dinner now so lets save that for tomorrows lesson shall we ?

Ps. Remember ur homework!

[Horny Elf]

Sex Vol.4
OK lads! Lets say youve come to a point in the relationship (serious or not, who cares as long as your having sex on a regular basis) where your done exploring eachother, you feel pretty safe with her and may take things a step further.

A good idea to find out if she has some clear No-go`s is to just talk with her, it might be abit embarrasing to bring it up. A good tip is just after a lay when your both in bed trying to sleep or whatever tell a joke about your good friend Elf that accidently while drunk put it in the pooper of her girlfriend and haha laf laf and the craziest thing was she fucking liked it haha haha etc. After telling that unfunny joke you`ll get one of these responds:

1: Haha WTF thats not gonna happend to me, im NEVER EVER going to take ANYTHING up the pooper

2: Haha hmm.. sounds interesting hehe, maybe if im drunk enough sometime ill let you try )

If you get respond 1 you have a dilemma and need to throw her more "bones" to pick up where her limits go. If you get respond 2 you are free to do what teh fuck ever you want. Girls that take it up the pooper will do anything.

The funny thing is if you bring it up in the right way, by humour and shits`ngiggles, im pretty sure you after some lubing will manage to get any girls do whatever you want. So what DO you want?

-Blowjobs. This is just fucking amazing and if a girl wont blow you leave her ass on the highway.

-Cumshots other places than the vagina. Again might sound weird but i swear it fucking owns

-Willingness to do kinky positions. Should never be a problem, just dont get stuck in a "rutine". Do her from behind, misionary,riding etc. Variation is the clue. Variation is also good for your stamina, after doing one position for awhile, that way of stimulating the penis will cause earlier ejaculation that another position.

My head feels kinda empty atm, but i doesnt feel like this lesson is done yet. Teacher goes home halfway trough class due to headache, recap of the rest will come tomorrow.

[Horny Elf]

About time i revoked this thread again!
Now. Anzu and some others stated the fact that i have schooled you guys in the art of sex, when the problem lies miles AHEAD of this, the problem is actually meeting somebody willing to have sex with you.

Now let me take you into Hornys school of dating.
Ill divide this lesson into 2. Lesson #1, the quick fuck. Lesson #2 The possible girlfriend.

Lesson #1:
Another way i could have divided these lessons are really into #1: Drunk and #2: Sober, because this is how it basically works. So. Its saturday, your horny (no not me, you know. the feeling. if you were me you wouldnt have these problems in the first place,nidtwit), and you would like to meet a girl and get laid.
Meeting a girl at a disco when your both pissed, the music is so loud you wouldnt hear a 600 lbs chick land after a 1500 feet fall and the worst, the beergoggles are so thick your actually proned to hook yourself up with the same 600lbs chick after the fall.

I know many many do this, but in my book this is a definit NONO. My approach is alot smoother and does increase your chance of getting a lay with some standards, but if you really dont give a flying shit how she looks, you might aswell just find a whale at a disco.

So. Lets get crackin.
Step 1: Here in norway we call it vorspiel, in sweden førfest (orsomething), i dont have a decent english word for it but something like a preparty. The party you have where you get loaded before you go out to the discos. THIS is the place to score the decent and good looking ones.
You have to overwhelm them with your humour and wit. Talk about sex! LOTS. Girls love to talk about sex in the early stage of their drunkeness, talk about your dildocollection, about the ugly skank a "friend" of you pulled who had crabs and a big fat rug she could wrap around her legs as pubes. Make witty remarks as do you wanna do a 68? - What? - Yea you go down and ill owe you one. Etc etc.

To make the chances of a score bigger, feel free to checkup a bunch of girls like this, prefferly at the same time, so they can talk about how fun and cool you are when your not around. If you have them on a roll before you get to the disco, it makes things so much easier once your there.

In the disco stick to the girls, feel free to buy them a few drinks if your economy allowes it. Bring them out on the dancefloor, shake your ass, having the correct attitude is everything. Myself, im not a very good dancer, but i act like a good dancer, and when girls are drunk, thats alpha omega. Now, the clock is approaching 3am, the bar/club is closing soon, and you bring the girls (girl if you already have narrowed it down) to a NACHSPIEL. Again, no good english word forthis. Afterparty? This is were you play really calm music, drink abit and FUCK. Yes its true. If you have a girl with you to a norwegian nachspiel, none of you are feeling your gonna throw up, a fuck is almost 100% certain. I guarantee you some hot frenchkissing action and probably some tits/vagina coressing.



HORNY ELF, HELPING SUBSPACE NERDS GETTING LAID SINCE 2002

[Fit of Rage]

Vorspiel/Nachspiel.

We call it foreplay. Nachspiel would be afterplay but I don't think we use that word at all.

[RATTY...]

hooray for norwegian girls! hipp hipp hora!

[Mayo Inc.]

ooooooooooooooooohhhh.

[Mr. Peanuts]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.

[Azhran]

I used to be a lonely geek, until I joined Sk8, and now I'm having sex EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, TY HORNY!~@!!~~! :up: :up:



NOTE: it's not me

[wadi]

Holy God Someone Put A Bag On That.

[RATTY...]

shit... doesn't look like that guy has ever brushed his teeth, maybe its the light...

[Nickname]

Brilliance!

:up: I only skimmed b ut pure quality. I loved the pooper parts.

[Jerome Scuggs]

Holy God Someone Put A Bag On That.

HAHAHAHAHA


for some reason wadi, that made me pee my pants