Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Read...

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Read...

    The sky was easily ripped in two, like tissue paper from an object carrying a velocity of sixty M.P.S.
    Trick thought a command to the Fig’s main AI and the shields of a Lancasted VIII Heavy Fighter weighing in at a grand total of 160 tons charged and an invisible barrier formed around its host. His next thoughts commenced and in his mind there formed various battle tactics, trajectory courses and the usual imagery of massive scale combat between the most destructive forces ever yielded.
    Arrays of holographic controls, schematics of his Fig’s read outs and physical flight controls mechanisms lay before his hands. He worked magic across the holos as a pianist did while playing in a symphony. He gathered information of where he was headed, listened to different recordings broadcasted from the hell zone at an accelerated bit rate, and watched with illumination in his eyes live video feeds of exactly he what he was preparing himself for.
    Pulling the Fig nose up, it blew through the atmosphere of Epose, the third planet outward in this relatively small system, within a second. Trick watched the digital readout from the tachometer. Without the pull of gravity, the Fig accelerated to a hundred fifty, hundred sixty, and peaked out at a constant velocity of a hundred and seventy eight. From there it fluctuated up and down slightly as the pull of gravity from the star fueling the system and the planetary body he just left, started to take effect.
    With the sudden acceleration also came the living evidence of the shields as they lit alive with a hue of light blue and dark purple lightening streaks, as space debris the size of pebbles dissolved into them. At the peak of a streak, ripples were seen that cascaded outward and then faded all together. With the fireworks being displayed around the ship only three feet away from any point of itself, the shield pattern was evident and the obviously meshed structural shape of the ship became appearent.
    The technological marvel of shields that was curiously discovered by the enemy gave a break through in travel. Without them, anything traveling more than fifty M.P.S would be shredded from the small particles of space moving at who knows what godly speed.
    Trick positioned himself more comfortably and prepared for the facelift that was about to be given. He pulled on the straps leading to his harness. Then reached up and flipped a switch which activated the fuel rod fluid to be fed to the fusion engines. He thought another command to the AI, and the displays in front of him vanished along with the videos and recordings being played through his mind.
    He swore at the loss of the only Assault Ship, which happened only about five minutes ago. Not only did its shockwave kill tens of thousands, but its downfall also gave away his ships ability to ripchord into the area. Instead, he now found himself preparing for a static burn across part of the system, which he has only done twice in his career so far. From experience he already knew they were a hellish ride with a major ego boost to finish it off.
    He curled his hands around both of the yokes and inched a finger upward on the left joy, and hesitantly laid it on top the circular red button. He pressed down slightly and felt the smooth click.
    Instantly, he was pressed against the pilot seat. The tachometer raced as the numbers in the first digits place repeated every split second. The beginning of G’s were pulled and experienced at the five hundred-barrier mark with the fighter still increasing its velocity. Six hundred. Seven hundred. Trick fought in vain as his weight increased rapidly with twenty-one G’s. He swore at the atmosphere stabilizer for not with standing such a force.
    The nose of the fig was lit with intense violet hued energy. The shields were being pounded by the particles in space and the little fireworks display that was before, now turned into a ravage storm.
    The tachometer read at nine hundred and was still increasing dramatically as very little time passed. Twenty-eight G’s were reached and Trick’s mind struggled to keep conscious. His entire body was numb, as nerve signals froze en route from mind to physical being due to the added pressure. The CL’s were trying desperately to maintain their focus. Another second ticked and he lost consciousness right after peaking at the tachometer, which read one thousand and fifty six.

    ***

    156 mm rounds tore across space, shields flared and faded, energy rounds dissipating, missiles streaking, debris over cluttering, high end projectiles ejecting from massive capital ships ranging anywhere from two miles to over fifteen miles, over encumbering radio chatter, and an unbelievable display of shear power and the pinnacle of intelligence filled the sector marked as, Xolop.
    Xolop was a territorial region wanting to be gained by all sides. It had large quantities of resources within its limits, from solid mass, to the precious space gases needed to combust the beginning of shield generation. It held a total of three rather small worlds, each holding large amounts of liquid hydrogen being boiled at the fusion temperature, a very valuable asset indeed. Along with it, came remarkable communication distance, as the super nova giant nicked, Solaris, was able to act as an extra large communication dish. It was like attaching an over large radio dish, with a diameter of thirty feet, to a mobile device that was able to fit in one’s pocket. Not only does this dish have the ability to transmit, but it also can receive vast generic wavelengths, ripchord telecommunications, and maybe even pick up some “unusual activity.”

    “The second wave of ST’s are loaded out and ready to fly Com.”
    “Good.” Commander Luterson responded coolly. He stood full fashion in a commander stance while looking at tactical information from holographic images. He had a rigid face with a perfectly straight nose. His dark blue eyes swayed from one image to another. He was buckled down from head to toe in uniform. Medals of all sorts covered his left and right chest. Some were given out of rank, but most were earned for strategy saving coordination that saved millions in lives, or money. He wore his cap so the crest was slightly to the left and tilted downward just enough to give him an expression that taunted others. He only did this in the heat of battle.
    Smirking, he gave an order. “Heather, change of plans. It seems they have left a major portion of the field open. We are going to take this bad planning to full advantage.” Luterson thought a command and the all the holo’s in the room being circled around instantly flew into one big image that took place in the center of the bridge. The one rather over whelming holographic image displayed a trajectory course and plotted a waypoint. “Tell the ST’s to form and wait at this point. Further instructions within two minutes tops of their arrival time will be given.” Quickly, he then added, “The stupid bitches won’t even know what hit them.”
    “They have the go and are lifting now. ETA about ten minutes. Sorry for the delay, but to get their undetected they are going to have to work some magic.”
    Luterson didn’t respond. Ten minutes was hellish quick compared to what he could probably accomplish. He was grateful of his Pilots.

    ***
    End.

    Dunno where to go from here. Any Ideas? Also...this stupid forum engine doesn't show indents...what crap. I'm sueing
    Last edited by Trickers; 01-28-2005, 12:02 AM.
    Total Mobility, Untouchable Agility
    ~
    Night, Sweetdreams.

  • #2
    thread rated "excellent"

    OH WAIT

    TWFORUMS DOESNT HAVE A RATING SYSTEM
    NOSTALGIA IN THE WORST FASHION

    internet de la jerome

    because the internet | hazardous

    Comment


    • #3
      Which story were you reading Jerome?

      I read the first two lines and my only thoughts were, "Try hard."
      So I stopped.

      Comment


      • #4
        Your going to have to pay me to waste my time reading.
        Thrashing> "That'll be 25.99, thank you for buying, please come again"
        Thrashing> "LET'S FUCK!"
        Thrashing> Like that, Ott?
        Catgirl> rofl
        Missy> o.O im so leaving this chat

        Kim> hal, say fit of rage sucks ballz
        fit of r> here, i'll do it for you
        fit of r> I SUCK BALLS
        Kim> loool
        fit of r> I LOVE BIG HAIRY MAN BALLS

        Comment


        • #5
          You could indent you turd, when you make a reply or start a new thread, there is a button you can click or just type: (INDENT]msg[/INDENT], where the ( is a [
          Like so! Btw I only read the last line, I didn't bother to read the rest.
          Last edited by Bahamut; 01-28-2005, 01:27 AM.

          Comment


          • #6
            I'll add more constructive comments later but if you're worried about how it looks on the screen right now, I find it helps if you press enter at the end of every line in the text input box. You still won't get indents but paragraph endings are easier to define and it's less strain on the eyes because your eyes don't have to scan across as far. It doesn't take much effort either. Just cut and paste into the box then keep pressing End, Enter again and again.

            Here are your first three paragraphs adjusted for example.

            The sky was easily ripped in two, like tissue paper from an object carrying a
            velocity of sixty M.P.S.
            Trick thought a command to the Fig’s main AI and the shields of a Lancasted
            VIII Heavy Fighter weighing in at a grand total of 160 tons charged and an
            invisible barrier formed around its host. His next thoughts commenced and in
            his mind there formed various battle tactics, trajectory courses and the usual
            imagery of massive scale combat between the most destructive forces ever
            yielded.
            Arrays of holographic controls, schematics of his Fig’s read outs and physical
            flight controls mechanisms lay before his hands. He worked magic across the
            holos as a pianist did while playing in a symphony. He gathered information of
            where he was headed, listened to different recordings broadcasted from the
            hell zone at an accelerated bit rate, and watched with illumination in his eyes
            live video feeds of exactly he what he was preparing himself for.

            If you still think you need to define your paragraphs more you can add a line break if you want to.

            Comment


            • #7
              this is one way to try and find out what your worst talent is...
              I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal...

              Comment


              • #8
                Please see this as constructive critisism

                Normally when I read a story, I get an image in my mind. Reading yours however (Read the first paragraph or so) didn't seem to convey anything to my mind's eye. You seem to be trying to hard to similise and metaphorise everything. Try being more subtle with your descriptive language.


                You also need to work on your grammar/sentence structure:

                "Trick thought a command to the Fig’s main AI and the shields of a Lancasted VIII Heavy Fighter weighing in at a grand total of 160 tons charged and an invisible barrier formed around its host"

                Could be re-written to

                "Trick thought a command to the Fig's main AI and the 160 ton Lancasted VIII Heavy Fighter's shields charged, forming an invisible barrier around its host."
                Last edited by Ewan; 01-28-2005, 08:46 AM.
                USS Banana after years of superior jav play has amassed 17999 kills, he is 1 kill away from 18k, Type ?go Javs FOR A GAME OF HUNT (no scorereset) -Kim
                ---A few minutes later---
                9:cool koen> you scorereseted
                9:Kim> UM
                9:Kim> i didn't
                9:cool koen> hahahahahahaha
                9:ph <ZH>> LOOOOL
                9:Stargazer <ER>> WHO FUCKING SCORERESET
                9:pascone> lol?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Its unedited and unrevised. Don't worry about the grammer or sentence structure. Also I purposely conveyed from using detail. Its just an intro to build. Also I didn't write that in this forum engine, I just copied and pasted.
                  Total Mobility, Untouchable Agility
                  ~
                  Night, Sweetdreams.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    But you use far too much descriptive language. Such as that tissue line.
                    USS Banana after years of superior jav play has amassed 17999 kills, he is 1 kill away from 18k, Type ?go Javs FOR A GAME OF HUNT (no scorereset) -Kim
                    ---A few minutes later---
                    9:cool koen> you scorereseted
                    9:Kim> UM
                    9:Kim> i didn't
                    9:cool koen> hahahahahahaha
                    9:ph <ZH>> LOOOOL
                    9:Stargazer <ER>> WHO FUCKING SCORERESET
                    9:pascone> lol?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Like a lot of other people have said, I think you're trying too hard with your diction. There are just too many wasted words you've put into your sentences that cloud and clutter the reader like being blinded by a suddenly lit flame on a dark night.

                      That last sentence would have been better off being re-written as "you're being too wordy and it distracts the reader". See the difference there? Part of the problem is that you're writing a sentence that, at its basics, is trying to say one thing, but you're adding to it to make it try to express a different thought. While that isn't necessarily wrong, what happens is that the second thought comes across as being more important than the main thought, as if it were the reason you wrote that sentence. While this can be an effective device, it's effect is lessened when used so often. The first sentence after the *** break for example looks like you're trying to get across two or three seperate ideas into one sentence. The end result is that the whole thing reads like how John Kerry sounds.

                      Things got better once you got to the dialogue, but the part where you describe the commander seems bogged down because you have so many sentences that begin with "he was..." or "he had..." or "he wore..."

                      If and when you do a second draft, try to relax your wording a bit more. Go through each sentence and pick out the one main, most important idea you wanted to express in that sentence and try to move the rest into a better position.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I'd like a signed copy of this novel when it is complete. Thanks much :turned:.
                        ()_()
                        (0.o)
                        (")(")

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          its a little bit ambiguous, and it needs more description. I want to see, hear, feel, touch, and even taste what it is ure writing about. Just describe a little more, and u'll be fine.

                          overall its good.
                          Originally posted by Tone
                          Women who smoke cigarettes are sexy, not repulsive. It depends on the number smoked. less is better

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Squeezer has just totally gone against what me and TK have said.
                            USS Banana after years of superior jav play has amassed 17999 kills, he is 1 kill away from 18k, Type ?go Javs FOR A GAME OF HUNT (no scorereset) -Kim
                            ---A few minutes later---
                            9:cool koen> you scorereseted
                            9:Kim> UM
                            9:Kim> i didn't
                            9:cool koen> hahahahahahaha
                            9:ph <ZH>> LOOOOL
                            9:Stargazer <ER>> WHO FUCKING SCORERESET
                            9:pascone> lol?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              naw man i agree, theres too many words, but they arent used right. I guess what i meant to say is clean up ure descriptions. They dont sound right.
                              Originally posted by Tone
                              Women who smoke cigarettes are sexy, not repulsive. It depends on the number smoked. less is better

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X