My Recovery (For Mossad's Eye's Only)

[Rusty Rudy]

Hello Mossad, I'm staying at Fisher right now. A psychiatric home for the mentally ill in rehab. I don't have internet on my laptop I bought a couple of months ago but all else is well. I'm working on refraining from psychotic behaviors from anywhere from treasure hunting across the street to head banging or harassing raging messages to girls online. I'm really working on myself.

I have also started going to AA and NA and am trying to quit drugs/alcohol for good because I am concerned with the impact they have on my health. I also have a big problem with these things, like picking up roaches from the treasure hunt. I am determined to stop doing this and be clean!

I'm taking it 1 day at a time and find the time really long here when I am away from my Subspace friends whom I miss greatly. Like you and Leland. Also, I am determined not to ask out any of the girls here at fisher as I am working on myself and not yet a suitable partner for a relationship until I get a little more stable since I struggle with intrusive and paranoid thoughts. I'm raising my medication again next month and will see how that works out. I'm also trying to cut back on my smoking of cigarettes while getting a bit more exercise. I attend CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) classes, running group, walking group and book club classes. There are many more that I don't attend like cooking because I don't want to overwhelm myself with too many groups and classes.

[Rusty Rudy]

I really miss drinking all day when listening to winamp radio and chatting with mossad and leland online... I can't stand life without you guys!

[paradise!]

Same, G.

[Rusty Rudy]

Dear Diary (Mossad),

How are you? I want a pen pal to write with and chat with everyday as I am really bored when recovering from mental illness in psychiatric rehab. I've said some really obessive things to you and acted deranged but I am sorry. I was grateful to have a friend to share my insanity with when speaking to you and meeting you. I really miss you. As I recall, you may or may not have said some cute things to provoke my insanity but all is forgiven. I will never rage at you because you were my friend when I was deranged and bringing all the anarchy of Subspace upon myself with my psychotic rantings. I am truly sorry for behaving in a neurotic manner and would like forgiveness from the Subspace community and perhaps make some forum troll friends to communicate with everyday while I recover from the episode of psychosis.

What did I do today? Well, I got up really early (4:00 AM) since I went to bed really early (8:30 PM) last night and smoked with a couple of coffee's until I went to running group as to run around the experimental farm. Then I chilled and smoked until walking group, where I walked around the experimental farm. I ate breakfast and lunch. I walked to the corner store a couple of times for more smokes and pepsi. Now I am broke. My Mamma-Bear is buying me a canister of tobacco and tubes for my birthday and all I would like from the Subspace community for my birthday is replies! I am an attention w-hore. A big attention w-hore. Then I chilled for the rest of the day and did some breathing exercises and took a shower. Now it's 3:27 PM and I am waiting for supper. I'll make more coffee and behave today, no drinking or roaches. I really gotta behave while I am here, I've misbehaved a lot and feel bad like my kind of addictions type personality people are not welcome here because it's not recovery oriented and I am trying to be recovery oriented and communicate with the staff as depressing and embarassing as it all is.

I've really made a big scene of nothing and witch hunting, and witch hunting is a bad term because Leigh is not a witch. I was being a jackass most of the time and calling her names, I don't deserve a girlfriend because I'm clearly neurotic and unattractive so I'll gladly be alone forever and continue to seek attention from the Subspace community for support to help me cope with my evident insanity as of late.

Cheers

[Rusty Rudy]

Can anyone tell me if Leland still plays TW?

I really miss going:

Leland

420 420 420 420

and typing that, cuz that's all Leland says and then maybe we chat a bit... I think someone said Leland was a girl from Ottawa so obviously I am a bit obsessed with her... lol

[Rusty Rudy]

BTW: I am Chewbot

The one and only, the truly deranged one... the special special ChewboT!

I also miss xfzv or w/e her name was, she was one of my buddys.

Can someone inform Michelle!! that I still love her?

I like all the TW girls!!!

They were my fwends and I'm a big newbie in TW.

A rampaging newbie...

lol

I miss giving away all my spacebux to girls!

[Rusty Rudy]

FAQ

Some of you might be wondering what happened to your beloved Chewbot and why I changed so much...

What Happened to Me?

On Easter day of 2006, after hearing a sermon about God and Israel - I wrote a song about God and Israel but it was built with encrypted metaphors from my understanding of the Bible as a Christian. It was a moderately good song but that's it. I thought nothing of it until the summer of 2007 after showing it to a friend for his thoughts.

Prior to this I was already hallucinating via daydreaming which I had only just stopped doing and began thinking logically after finding myself in a neurotic state from my challenges and trials of Faith as a Christian. I had began suffering from Psychosis from the first time I started smoking weed. When high, I had all kinds of hallucinations and began hearing voices when stoned and this grew into a remote paranoia and obsession with my Faith.

I was otherwise an anti-social loser of a geek going to a friends house who had recently connected with another circle of old friends that I am not very familiar with but knew from middle school and didn't speak much to them in high school. I was grateful for the opportunity because I missed two of them by the names of Chris Poulin and Alex Souchen who I knew a little bit better from back in the day. Now I already had a crush on this girl called Leigh Paveling and I later found out he was friends with Leigh. This made me a bit paranoid. It got worse when Alex Souchen told me to sign up to Facebook, a grave mistake I believe he regrets doing... LOL!

The more I hung out with these people, the worse my paranoia got and being a bit anti-social, I started noticed a couple of odd things going on with my friend Chris Maines who was inviting me out these events. His alias in Subspace was Zazi and his little brother is Fludd. He would seem angry and bring up things like a song called House of the Rising Sun which made me paranoid about the song I wrote called Man of the Rising Sun.

Anyhow, I later had a thought that would stick with me for a long time. What if Leigh went to the party they threw and Chris showed her the song and they were all talking about me? EGADS! It's embarassing. Anyhow, that thought provoked a lot of guilt in me because then I thought that they thought that maybe I intentionally wrote the song about her. So in my guilt, I told Alex Souchen the song was about God and Israel and he didn't know what I was talking about. Then I felt worse, like it were thought that I was trying to convince Leigh that I were God! So I bottled it all up for about a month, all the emotions, insecurities and paranoia; until finally it exploded out of me when I added Leigh to Facebook and began stalking her obsessively.

I began harassing her and messaging her. She was a little bit responsive for reasons I cannot explain so I became even more convinced of some sort of conspiracy of rumors and gossip where they were trying to figure me out and why I wrote that song. So I spammed Leigh obsessively in all honesty and started preaching to her like it was my duty to save her soul from Hell because I had all this religious brain washing and was all self-righteous.

She blocked me in November of 2007 but I added her to MSN and somehow sent her on a treasure hunt after still harassing her endlessly in May of 2008. In the summer of 2008, my imagination spun out of control and I thought my parents were involved in the conspiracy to figure me out so I got into a fight with them and was instituted for the first time. I was diagnosed with Psychosis.

I didn't stop messaging her, it was really bad Psychosis. I had all kinds of delusions and hallucinations, didn't know what hallucinations were and was caught in a mania of obsession. I really had a crush on this girl... I was mentally ill and making a fool out of myself. Anyhow, come New Years 2009, I was kicked out and living in my apartment until I added her as a friend. She accepted me friend invite, I started messaging her and she deleted me again so I exploded on Facebook publicly and was instituted when she called the Police for saying "Let's murder Leigh Paveling". No charges or restraining order. I left the psych ward and thought it was all a conspiracy, I was on mandatory medication and forced into a psychiatric program where I went through the motions but continued to harass Leigh.

I finally stopped when she called the police a second time in 2011 October... long time, eh?

Then I logged into Subspace and began witch hunting, convinced she was in Subspace and acted like a lunatic so I figure people saw it as a joke and played along and then I got so insane I had to have myself instituted 2 times after a house fire in 2012. Now I'm in psychiatric rehab and working on myself.

[Rusty Rudy]

Now in 2009, after being instituted, I began smoking weed and drinking regularly. It was a crutch to help me with my suffering at the hands of mental illness and self inflicted anxiety and stress from the harassment of a girl I had a crush on when otherwise I was so shy and reserved, conservative.

I began smoking roaches around 2010 and at the same time, I became a full blown alcoholic and it was really bad.

My understanding of Psychology and my illness has improved but I still suffer from instrusive thoughts and paranoia.

I've stopped harassing Leigh and feel pretty bad about all the raging I've done in Subspace... I can't explain what happened prior to my hospitalisation but I want to forget about it and communicate with the friends I made.

I'm really struggling to try and change and be normal, to be rational, to be logical, to keep my faith, to refrain from psychotic behaviors, to escape mania, to escape the neurotic pathological habbitual thoughts and behaviors I had...

I want to recover.

I need help.

[Rusty Rudy]

I've wasted about 5 years of my life in a state of Psychosis, maybe even longer if you consider the pre-institution psychosis before I met Leigh from drugs. It's been a long era of insanity but I am finally cooperating with help and psychiatry in all honesty about my problems and addictions. I an open to therapy, I want therapy. I have a lot of other trauma as well in my life.

I feel like a freak who's life is a trainwrekc, I feel hopelessly lost at times and confused.

I'm insecure.

My health has taken a bad turn from smoking and drinking and malnutrition...

I have terrible anxiety.

I can't keep a job.

I have so many problems... and am taking a lot of time at Fisher to heal and relax.

I am somewhat angry, or was, at my circumstances with this girl but it's not her fault but mine.

I have so little money... it's hard to survive.

I'm a college dropout and lost all interest in education.

I've got no life.

I don't ever do anything... but drugs and booze and tobacco...

I have a lot to work on and I want to apologize to TW for my psychotic behavior last year.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

[TABARNAK!!!]

tl;dr

[Infrared]

[Infrared]

this confirms my theory that the people who have been playing pub for years and years are probably insane

[fLaReD]

LOOOOL WHAT IS THIS

[Stayon]

Dedicate this to you chewbot.

[paradise!]

I got ur back, G.