My english essay

[Jerome Scuggs]

woah

ever wonder where ppl get those words?

"dickwad" -- a wad of dick. wtf.

[Cylor]

What is so weird about a wad of dick? Can't you roll your penis into a wad...or is it a little petite?

Le petite pénis de Jerome Scruggs

[Troll King]

It probably refers to a wad of tissues you use to clean up after "cleaning your gun".

[Fit of Rage]

Re: My english essay

Originally posted by Blood
Good day everyone. It was decided (Passive voice, consider revising to "A committee chose me to give our visitor ... etc.) that I will give our visitor from the United States of America, John Doe, his farewell speech. Since I am known for my notoriously long-winding announcements on the school radio, I decided to cut to the chase this time. Though it has been a whole year, it seems to have passed by in a heartbeat. Around this time last year, we were wondering who the peculiar-looking stranger attending our classes was. It was not long, however, before we really got to know John. It was his ability to be open-minded that made it easy for us take him in to our group. It was also no small feat for John to adapt to our customs with ease, something in which I propably would have failed in, had I ever travelled abroad as an exchange student. We finns can be stubborn sometimes. I have a gift for you, John, from the entire school, to commammorate your time here and something to remember us by during all the years ahead of you. I present to you a miniature sauna, a bottle of beer and a packet of sausages. We felt that these items would symbolize our nation best. With these words and one last thank you, I bid you farewell and hope to see you once more some day.

I bolded some words and phrases I'm going to try to discuss now and hope you realize what an idiot my teacher is:

Good day everyone. -My teacher felt that this was a "a bit glumsy beginning". Yes, GLUMSY, exact word. Maybe a bit trite, but worth underlining with a red marker? I don't think so. These sort of things are rarely commented on by the teachers anyway.

There's really nothing wrong with that introduction.

to cut to the chase -Now I'm not 100% sure about this phrase, but I think I've heard it on TV enough times to use it in an essay. Not sure if it's without the second 'to', just 'cut the chase', or something. I'm sure you all know what it means, getting to the point, but my english teacher felt that this phrase did not exist and the dictionary did not allow the word chase to used in such a way.

Your use of said phrase is correct here, don't stress if your English teacher wasn't familiar with it.

us take -Alright, I missed a 'to' here, thanks to not proof-reading the text afterwards. I admit my mistake.

finns -Also missed the capital letter here.

commammorate -Now I don't think this is a word, or at least how it's spelled. I've heard this somewhere a few times, and I thought it meant something like signifying something, commammorating your time here, like in the text. My teacher accepted it though, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's right.

Again, you're correct in this instance, that word is acceptable. Commemorate is a viable word for this instance, and some synonyms your teacher might be familiar with are honor, venerate, memorialize, and celebrate.

one last thank you -For some reason, my teacher felt that there should be a "," between the words thank and you. She admit her mistake in the end, but still it's pretty weird.

Again, your teacher is being silly.

So, why did I post this here? I want you, who speak the language as your native language, to comment on my text, to tell me how to improve it and to correct the errors my teacher did not spot. This essay may seem short to you, but for us it's a foreign language and the essay is standard high school length. I received 95 points out of a maximum of 99.

Edit: Blah, most everything was already covered.

[Sleepy Weasel]

Originally posted by Fruitang
My only beef is with the commas, my english teacher taught me that any details between 2 commas in the same sentence can usually be left out. Since it's a modern language essay I gather you have some word target to aim for? So all I have to say is to tr and link sentences together and try not to use more than 1 comma per sentence, 2 if necessary. Anymore isn't needed.

If you're going to link sentences together, then you're probably going to need to use more commas. I don't like this advice.

Originally posted by ZeUs!!
To me it reads easier if you start it with 'as', breaks up the stop/start/stop/startness of all the full stops and capital letters. I just flows better

I don't like this advice either.


What is with you Brits?

Originally posted by Troll King
You don't need the word "something" in the commemorate sentence. The "and" between "to commemorate" and "to remember" should be used to join two logically and syntactically equal things. This is called parallelism. If you don't get what that means, think of it this way: you want the two things surrounding "and" to look more or less the same, in terms of structure and what kind of words you use. If one side has a lot of adjectives, the other side must as well, so it will balance. Right now, you have just "to commemorate your time here" just before "and", so you only need "to remember us during..." afterwards. (NOTE: take out the "by" before during. It's not necessary.) That "something" you refer to is the gift you stated at the start of the sentence, so you don't need to add "something" in front of "to remember' unless you're talking about something other than the gift.

TK, you're correct that the sentence lacks parallelism, but if you try and fix the parallelism in the way you indicate, then I've actually got a question about that. A gift can commemmorate an occasion, but a gift can't remember; it can only function to help John remember. So, although you hear it all the time, is it really ok to say "to remember us..." instead of "to help remember us..." or something similar?

[za gophar]

It probably refers to a wad of tissues you use to clean up after "cleaning your gun".

the period goes inside the quotes! muahaha!

[Troll King]

Okay, a couple of things here, responding to things in the order in which they were posted.

Regarding Fruitang's post and comma usage: first off, there are too many different cases out there to make your teacher's advice about leaving out words relevant. The number of commas used in a sentence isn't really relevant unless it creates too much confusion in determining what the sentence is trying to say. Secondly, the comma you have after the word "commas" should be a period, as the two parts surrounding it are not related to each other in terms of syntax. They should be two different sentences. A comma SHOULD have been used before "I gather" however, as the words leading up to it form what is called an adverb clause. The difference between this example and the first one is that this adverb clause IS conneced to the rest of the sentence, so a comma is called for. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm picking on you here, Fruitang, but I'm not. It's just that this is an example of the most common mistake you'll find regarding comma usage.

To Fit of Rage regarding the passive voice: The passive voice in the beginning isn't that much of a problem. The usual problem with passive voice is that it places the emphasis on something when the focus should be on something else. The alternatives suggested don't change that too much. Since the sentence following it is about Blood's well-known wordiness, the use of passive voice isn't stylistically improper as it fits into the tone and logical flow of the overall speech. You can really go either way in this case.

To Sleepy Weasel: you're quite right about the "to remember". "To help remember", or "to remind" would be better choices.

To za gophar: The period goes inside the quotation mark only in American usage. In other English speaking countries, the placement of the period depends on the logic of the sentence and of what is being quoted. It only goes inside the quotation if the period is part of the direct quote. In this case, the words inside the quotation marks do not constitute a complete sentence, so therefore it should not have a period.

[ÆNIMA]

Re: My english essay

Originally posted by Blood
cut to the chase...

I think that this phrase implies that you were basically writing nonsense up until that point. Making the reader think "Why did I just read that?" I doubt your teacher thought the same...but that's just my thought.

"Good day everyone", this is an essay, not a public speech...there's no need for a greeting.

As an after-thought, many talented writers don't follow literary "rules", but does this mean that everyone should follow suit and forget about them?

[Blood]

aenima, this essay was supposed to be in speech format, the actual speech. i thought i mentioned that

[ZeUs!!]

Originally posted by Jerome Scuggs
woah

ever wonder where ppl get those words?

"dickwad" -- a wad of dick. wtf.

(I like him really he just called me shitface or something)

[ÆNIMA]

Originally posted by Blood
aenima, this essay was supposed to be in speech format, the actual speech. i thought i mentioned that

Well that's just weird...unless you actually gave the speech, but I still think that "let's cut to the chase" implies that you were talking nonsense.

[BrokenFist]

Re: My english essay

Originally posted by Blood
[B]Since I am known for my notoriously long-winding announcements on the school radio, I decided to cut to the chase this time.

It should be long-winded, surprised no one picked that up.

Also I'm not sure about using "known" and "notorious" in the same sentence as they both imply the same thing. Better check with Troll King.

Aen maybe you should read it through a few times, it makes perfect sense.

[Verthanthi]

Re: Re: My english essay

Originally posted by BrokenFist
It should be long-winded, surprised no one picked that up.

Except, of course, Zeus.

[Miku19]

Originally posted by CyloR
What is so weird about a wad of dick? Can't you roll your penis into a wad...or is it a little petite?

Le petite pénis de Jerome Scruggs

So, his penis is both male and female at the same time! SECRETS REVEALED!

[Louis XV]

Blood's English is too good to be entertaining. Someone get Jebu in here.