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HOT OR NOT
TWLD
Week 1
Burn vs. You2be
50-41
Noted polygamist and 2x Most-Likely-to-Sunburn nominee Racka (12-6) led Best (13-9), Ogron (10-9), Raazi (8-9) and Kira Tomato (8-9) to a closer-than-expected victory for Burn.
Eren (14-10) put in a superlative performance, whereas Stack (2-10) put in a super-laxative performance, shitting the bed behind Amar, Carling, and pee pee sock, who incidentally wet the bed -- making the most of their acronym-laden dorm room at the South Harmon Institute of Technology.
HOT: Racka
NOT: Stack
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Potenza vs. Paladen
50-40
The Italian Stallions struck first, as Iron Survivor (13-9) gave Paladen brazilians, ahead of Cres (11-7), Server (12-7), Shaun, Okyo, and Spezza.
Paladen saw nice performances from mainstay Jessup (10-10) and Racketeer (11-10), but Alextron, dour, Axwell, and Ptero all struggled.
HOT: Served
NOT: Alextron, with an anemic 0-5.
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Fierce vs. You2be
50-23
Last Standing (15-5) and Tripin (14-8) showed no mercy, leading Apok and Vash to victory. Meanwhile, Geio (4-5) was wearing the 4-5 like Jordan coming back from baseball, and looking like he was playing the wrong sport.
You2be saw Dark_Night (9-10) almost achieve parity, whilst Amar, Carling, Eren, and poo poo mittens fell behind.
HOT: Last Standing
NOT: Gei(c)o, get 15% or less kills than your 2-Star opponents! Call today!
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Paladen vs. Dudgeon
50-43
Paladen shone through in this game, managing to hold off the veteran Dudgeonites with siginificantly more TWL experience, and win the game, as Racketeer (13-8), Axwell (11-8), and Little Buddha (8-4) took home the W alongside Ptero, Jessup and Dour.
dreamwin (12-10) was the lone bright spot, as Commodo, JAMAL, plob#f, and Stayon all failed to achieve David parity.
HOT: Racketeer
NOT: plob#f, an actual veteran wb, only managing a 7-10 vs. Paladen. The last time i saw a veteran doing this poorly, he was begging for change -- which is what I'm sure your fellow teammates will be asking for in their WB lineup come Week 2.
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Burn vs. LEGO
50-19
This was a massacre, perpetrated by Racka (16-6), Raazi (12-2), Best, (9-4), Cape, and fahrenheit. Keep these guys away from Doctors Without Borders hospitals.
DELECTABLE (2-10) will have to console himself by rolling around in the piles of money from his settlement, and hopefully turn rolling ships off on his new computer, because that was one of the worst performances of all-time. Turban (5-10) was equally abhorrent, as were Flew, joemama, and ROWS.
HOT: Raazi
NOT: DELECTABLE, who i assumes name is ALL CAPS because his team is always yelling at him.
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Fierce vs. Vikings
50-37
The TWLD champs wasted no time dispatching Vikings, who like their real life counterparts, are now extinct, as Fierce was droppin' bombs from their palms blowin' up their victims like Napalm, as Apok-alypse Now (11-9) captained Skepilepsy (12-8), VashTheStampede (11-6), Geico, and TripinAdvisor to the W.
Witch doctor/veteran warbirds Unabled (12-10) and Jones (10-10) pull up a hell of a fight, but couldn't work their voodoo on doodoo, as Ison, Enf, Ravos, and Warrior stunk up the joint.
HOT: Skepsis
NOT: Enf, with a paltry 2-6. Next time, go 2-by-8, so your teammates have something to hit you over the head with for doing so poorly.
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Cobra vs. Vikings
50-40
Although but a shadow of its former self, Cobra didn't expend too much energy dispatching Vikings by 10, as Ricko notched a 16-7 ahead of Kentaro (11-8), Neymar, Casket, and Rasaq.
Once again, Jones (12-10) and Unabled (10-10) led the foray into enemy lines, but Ison (4-10) and Ravos (4-8) once again held them back, despite a stalwart effort from Steep (10-10).
HOT: Ricko
NOT: Ison, with an interminable 4-10. What did the buffalo say to his kid before booting him off the roster?
BYE SON! (Bison)
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Cobra vs. Dudgeon
50-42
This match was tighter than the virgin mary's... friendship with Lazarus, as Ricko (14-8) and Neymar (13-8) put the kibosh on Dudgeon, ahead of Rasaq, Kentaro (11-6), and Casket (7-10), who's name is befitting since he always seems to be dead in easy matches.
Zizzo (11-10) and dumbwin (10-10) turned on the euro lag and managed to keep things close, but Commodo, JAMAL, plob#f, and Stayon fell short.
HOT: Neymar
NOT: Commodo (0-4), who, like his namesake, the Komodo dragon, is confined to a single location -- the bench.
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Potenza vs. LEGO
50-36
Okyo Drift (15-10) sped into the lead and never looked back, towing Cres (12-8), Iron Laggot (11-6), Served, and adopt-a-pubber beneficiary Tweeks (5-5) to victory.
delectable (10-10) uncapitalized his name, capitalizing on the decreased target he presented and achieving parity, alongside asian sensation Flew (10-10). Unfortunately, turbad, raizin, rows, Paky Dude, Where's my talent (4-10) and joemama (0-5) couldn't keep up.
HOT: Okyo
NOT: Paky Dude. I hope you believe in a two-state solution for Paky-stan, because right now your only state is sucking.
TWLD
Week 2
Potenza vs. Dudgeon
50-35
Okyo continued to live up to his potenzial, slamming the door shut on Dudgeon with a ferocious 17-9, with Iron Deficiency (12-6) and Crest Whitening Strips (10-8) not far behind. Solemn and Served were serviceable.
Unlike Paris Hilton's herpes, Dudgeon once again failed to breakout, despite JAMAL (10-10) and Elven's (10-10) best efforts. dreamlose (5-10), Zizzo (6-10) and Rough (4-10) fared little better.
HOT: Okyo
NOT: Rough, going 4:10 like a miner's alarm clock.
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Fierce vs. LEGO
50-29
DEEZ NUTS (12-6) and Skepsis (13-6) led Apok, Vash, and Geio to the W over the hapless LEGOnians, as delectable (2-9) once again looked like a legless LEGO Legolas, and joemama (2-10), Spikey (2-8), and TJ Gadzuki faring little better.
Turban (14-10) once again continued his legendary streak of high scores against Fierce, whilst One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (9-10) nearly hit double digits.
HOT: Turban -- the only reason I know Finland exists, and is a country.
NOT: Joemama.
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Paladen vs. LEGO
50-38
AFRI (12-8) and Axwell (12-7) led Paladen to a convincing win over opposite day success-story LEGO, leading Dour, human-rat brainswap experiment subject Jebass (7-6), and Plead (12-8) to the W.
A recurring theme, Flew (12-10) and Turban (10-10) managed the only positive scores, as Pure_Suck, joemama, Spikey, and TJ Hazuki negged harder than a frat boy at a women's low self-esteem retreat.
HOT: Flew
HOT: Axwell
NOT: Spikey (1-5), who continues to prove there is no ship he can't go negative in.
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Burn vs. Paladen
50-22
Paladen's win streak ended with Burn, who lit them up for +28 kills, as Best (15-7), Racka (13-3), Weaver (11-4), Weak, and Mythril showed no mercy.
Paladen's scorebox looks like the Vietnam War Memorial to the fallen, and is best observed in silence: Afri, Axwell, Jessup, Little Buddha, Plead, Racketeer, Tyf.
HOT: Best
NOT: Axwell (1-7)
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Burn vs. Victims
50-28
Vikings couldn't put out red-hot firebrand Weaver (13-2), who torched them for [INSERT BURN METAPHOR HERE], ahead of Best (13-9), Mythril, Raazi, and Racka-wacka.
Unabled was the lone bright spot, with a strong 11-10, but had little to no support from Beasty, Enf, Flion, or Ison.
HOT: Weaver
NOT: Flion (2-10)
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Fierce vs. Cobra
50-37
In a rematch of last year TWLD Finals, Fierce once again lit Cobra up, winning in convincing fashion as Kentaro (14-10) and Ricko (13-10)'s superb performances were marred by piss poor outings from Riverside (2-10), Casket (3-10), and Creature (5-10).
Team captain and inexplicable 120ms ping generator Apok (14-7) looked like he was at an all-you-can-eat Buffet, eating 20 bullets and luring the Cobramin to certain doom, as Skepsis (13-10), Vash (10-8), Geio (7-5), and DEEZ NUTS were lying in wait.
HOT: Apok
HOT: Kentaro
NOT: Riversad, who's in the fetal position in a corner listening to Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River" over and over.
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Potenza vs. You2be
50-32
Served (13-6), Cres (10-5) took the reigns of this gimme, carrying Iron Survivor, Okyo, and mental midget Dwarf to the W.
For their part, You2be negged across the board, as Amar, Eren, pee pee sock, raizin, and Stack blew up overnight like Aria Grande.
HOT: Cres
NOT: raizin
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Dudgeon vs. Vikings
50-40
Dudgeon notched their first TWLD victory, as Commodo (12-8), Stayon (12-7), JAMAL (11-6), and Zizzo (10-9) carried actual wb plob#f to victory.
Major Crisis put up a nice 12-10, but the rest Vikings fell short, although Ison (9-10) was almost useful. Almost.
HOT: JAMAL
NOT: plob#f (5-10), who was ahead of his time, working #Hashtag Fail into his name almost a decade before Twitter was invented.
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Cobra vs. You2be
50-21
Cobra sprung into action against You2be, getting their fangs into them early and never letting go -- much like Rupert Murdoch's ex-wife.
Kentaro continued his venomous assault on TWLD this year, with a potent 16-8, leading Creature (10-3), Casket (10-2), Ricko (9-1), and Wax (6-7).
On the losing side, Amar, Carling, Eren, Fiora, pee pee sock, raizin, and Stack all took turns as the fat guy in Deliverance. "Squeal, piggy!"
is also something LF has also said, according to the FBI's Amber Alert division.
HOT: Kentaro
NOT: raizin (2-7), who, like the food, is dried up and a fruit.
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