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Dear Mr. President,
For the next few months, and possibly the next few years, you are going to be making a lot of war and consequentially a lot of speeches. As enthusiastic patriots, we here at TW would like to make your life a little easier. Here is a handy-dandy template that you can use for every speech you are going to make about war in your career, followed by some tips on dealing with those commie-pinko panty-wetters in the media. At the end, we tagged on a few key pieces of advice for public speaking. We hope this helps you with your job and gives you some more time so you can meet in private with your lov... friend Tony Blair.
Your Speech Template
My fellow Americans,
The world has changed a great deal since September 11th, 2001. There are many different threats on the horizon that the United States must deal with in new and unprecedented ways. (Insert nation here) presents such a threat. (Nation) is a brutal (form of government) that harbors (insert name of terrorist group - preferably Muslim) and builds weapons of mass destruction. (*Smirk here.) We know that (nation) has been stockpiling (chemical/biological/radiological/nuclear/pesticidal/Muslim/anti-Christian/all of the above) weapons since (year that most recent government came to exist in said nation). That a nation like (nation) could possess such weapons poses a (degree of scariness on scale of 1-10) danger to the U.S. Consequentially, I am moving (insert number) troops into (name of body of water closest to said nation). (*Look into the camera.) Due to the (cooperation/failure/utter stupidity) of the U.N., the U.S. will act (unilaterally/bilaterally/trilaterally/interlaterally/multilaterally/psuedolaterally/in the name of God/like a dick). We thank (the U.K./Australia/various Balkan NATO wannabes/all of the above) for their continued support of the (war on terrorism/war on Muslims/war for oil/war on drugs/war for war's sake). (*Smirk and look into the camera, pretend to ad lib. I promise you, we will get those (insert network-approved plural expletive); we will smoke them out like (reference old Western movie, grin like John Wayne). May God bless America.
For the next few months, and possibly the next few years, you are going to be making a lot of war and consequentially a lot of speeches. As enthusiastic patriots, we here at TW would like to make your life a little easier. Here is a handy-dandy template that you can use for every speech you are going to make about war in your career, followed by some tips on dealing with those commie-pinko panty-wetters in the media. At the end, we tagged on a few key pieces of advice for public speaking. We hope this helps you with your job and gives you some more time so you can meet in private with your lov... friend Tony Blair.
Your Speech Template
My fellow Americans,
The world has changed a great deal since September 11th, 2001. There are many different threats on the horizon that the United States must deal with in new and unprecedented ways. (Insert nation here) presents such a threat. (Nation) is a brutal (form of government) that harbors (insert name of terrorist group - preferably Muslim) and builds weapons of mass destruction. (*Smirk here.) We know that (nation) has been stockpiling (chemical/biological/radiological/nuclear/pesticidal/Muslim/anti-Christian/all of the above) weapons since (year that most recent government came to exist in said nation). That a nation like (nation) could possess such weapons poses a (degree of scariness on scale of 1-10) danger to the U.S. Consequentially, I am moving (insert number) troops into (name of body of water closest to said nation). (*Look into the camera.) Due to the (cooperation/failure/utter stupidity) of the U.N., the U.S. will act (unilaterally/bilaterally/trilaterally/interlaterally/multilaterally/psuedolaterally/in the name of God/like a dick). We thank (the U.K./Australia/various Balkan NATO wannabes/all of the above) for their continued support of the (war on terrorism/war on Muslims/war for oil/war on drugs/war for war's sake). (*Smirk and look into the camera, pretend to ad lib. I promise you, we will get those (insert network-approved plural expletive); we will smoke them out like (reference old Western movie, grin like John Wayne). May God bless America.
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