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  • Unsolved Mysteries

    This program is about unsolved mysteries. Whenever possible, the actual family members and police officials have participated in recreating the events. What you are about to see is not a news broadcast.



    Good evening folks, I’m Robert Stack and you’re tuned in to another episode of “Unsolved Mysteries"



    DUNN DUN DUNN DUNN DUNN DUN DUN DUNN! DUNN DUN DUNN DUNN DUNN DUN DUNN!

    Tonight we’ll be exploring the cautionary tale of a small community and the chaos caused by the unsolved. It is a case of deception, of power and the immovable call of the human spirit. But there is a dark side to our event to our story this evening as well. Betrayal, narcissism, and collective rage are also ingredients of this extra special case. Most importantly however, it is a story of a missing person. A person near and dear to all of our hearts who vanished suddenly and without a trace, leaving behind no record of his whereabouts or any indication of where he was going. This is the story of IlyaZ



    Our story begins just a few years ago in the familiar land of Trenchwars Forums. Before the nazism of Dangergirl (seriously the descriptions of our forums still suck) or the most recent exploits of a certain powertripping mod, there was the great forum God Zeus! He ran the forums with a comfortable demeanor, dishing out as much as he could, while still being more than willing to take it. Many followed him during his reign and During these times another small subset of the Forum administration belonged to a small group called Pallies known as Divine “Motherfucking” Rides and Concrete “I give handjobs for free” Schoolyard. This strange and distinct tribe added much flavor to the Boreums (as they were casually called during that time) and broke the monotony of general discussion. No games of Mafia were played, and retarded teenagers (such as your author) slowly earned respect with their opinions rather than bans. In this time, the music threads were a popping, while the general discussion was a’ flopping (ahahaha). It was a warm age for all involved. The Forums were carefree and limitless. It was like America in the 1960s but with way more virgins.
    Originally posted by Tone
    Women who smoke cigarettes are sexy, not repulsive. It depends on the number smoked. less is better

  • #2


    I made a funny
    Originally posted by Tone
    Women who smoke cigarettes are sexy, not repulsive. It depends on the number smoked. less is better

    Comment


    • #3


      Now, back to our story. Soon however a champion emerged. A man full of respect for women, forged with the quips of the internet, and invulnerable to the pitfalls of mortal men. He was a true child of Zeus. With dashing looks and a voice so golden it made acne covered space pilots cry, IlyaZ represented all that was good and pure with Trench Wars Forums. The penultimate prodigal son of Space combat. But, not everyone saw it that way.



      As the years passed and the Pallies grew up, a new generation of posters heavily influenced by the language of the web ascended to power. IlyaZ was riding some kind of white animal (not black lol) in the front of the cavalry, metaphorically wooping Trenchwars’ ass with his barbed dicksword. No one could crack this man’s veneer. Not even Beowulf himself could behead this mad monster. That is until a strange and conspicuous man found his way to the Forums. This man was named Maverick and he was a total suckass.

      Originally posted by Tone
      Women who smoke cigarettes are sexy, not repulsive. It depends on the number smoked. less is better

      Comment


      • #4
        Determined to see his foe, the pristine IlyaZ, dethroned from power as the most awesome person ever to grace Trenchwars...ever, Maverick set about planning a diabolic scheme. One in which IlyaZ would have no choice but to fall victim to, like prey in the mouth of a predator. Maverick determined that the only way to defeat IlyaZ was to lull him in with his sense of respect for all females and trap him using a rarely used forum. And so Maverick bided his time, slowly waiting for IlyaZ to slip up. Decades went by as Mav remained patient, convinced that the great poster would slip up. Eventually, the fearsome Mod would be proved correct.



        On the morning of sometime last week, an unknown snitch reported to Maverick a small thread in which the legendary IlyaZ had posted women respecting the beauty and artful nature of their bodies. Maverick had been waiting in anticipation for this event and it was finally here. Using all of the strength his flaccid nerd penis could brandish, he came down on IlyaZ with a 2 week ban, running away scared shortly after. It was all he could muster to take down the legend, to cut him short with an impenetrable prison sentence. Maverick was finally going to taste victory.



        But shortly before the sentence was handed down, the great IlyaZ fled Trenchwars Forums and disappeared into the real world without a trace. He left no hints to his whereabouts, nor clues about what drove him to escape. Perhaps it was Maverick’s gayness, perhaps the pressure of being so great, or perhaps the stale and revolting turn the Forums had taken in recent times. For whatever reason, IlyaZ was suddenly gone. In an effort to find his lost friend, recently unretired forumgoer Jason decided to put up wanted posters in the hopes that someone in the chatbox could lend a hand. Maverick immediately took notice of this action and banned Jason in order to prevent arising suspicions about IlyaZ’s whereabouts. Noticing that everyone was clearly distraught, another longtime forumgoer by the name of Squeezer attempted to cheer up the community with a poetry session. He too was sadly stricken down for trying to bring uplifting threads to the Forums. It seemed there could be no end to Maverick’s reign, nothing that could stop his malevolence.
        Originally posted by Tone
        Women who smoke cigarettes are sexy, not repulsive. It depends on the number smoked. less is better

        Comment


        • #5
          And here we come to the end of our story. IlyaZ remains missing, a small enigma amid the emerging chaos that we call the future of the Forums. Will the quality rise in his absence? No, that is not only unlikely it is impossible. Maverick has crippled this small community by interfering from the outside. Like the generals that continue to attack Russia in winter, he has failed to learn the lessons of his predecessors. Trenchwars Forums has remained resilient before, there is no reason to believe it will not now. Though their leader was deposed, the Forums continued to breathe. But to this day the location of the once great poster remains a closely guarded secret. Will he ever be discovered, or is IlyaZ destined to flame out like so many other legendary members of this once great community? We decided to ask some of the survivors their opinion. Below are the transcripts.

          Maverick: IlyaZ was banned because he is a terrible offense to 2D spaceship games. We cannot have such reprehensible people representing our community. I mean Christ, its not like this is a haven for 14-year-olds and dick jokes is it?

          Noah: I like dicks!

          Galleleo: Look, this issue is about as black and white as it gets. Ilya isn’t disappeared, he’s just at the roller rink with black dudes. That’s what everyone in Hottlanta does (even though I’ve never been there, I know this) because it gets hot and their African blood starts boiling. Really though, I think I fall into the black side more than the white.

          Gran Guerrero: I can’t believe I still put up with this shit.

          Tone: One word, two syllables. DISINFO BOTS
          Robert Stack: That’s actually three syllables.
          Tone: So they’ve got to you too…

          DoTheFandango: What the fuck am I supposed to read when I’m stoned now, gay ass Unsolved Mysteries threads?

          PH:

          Pauloakenfold: qq

          Genocidal: I know where you can find IlyaZ. You can find him in the baseless opinions you stupid fuck’s toss around like they were Frisbees. Seriously, he wasn’t that important.

          Xog: kthx is going to make a gay joke about me, just watch.

          Kthx: Xog is gay. Also, I bet Obama’s secret troops got Ilya. That’s what he gets for being liberal.

          Kolar:…seriously Squeezer? This is what you do with your free time?

          Jerome Scuggs: You know we’re all fucked right?

          Jason: ilya o ilya, you are but a rose.
          Whip out that dong and give us your pose.

          Displaced: You better not lump me in with those Euros and make a joke about us.

          Cops: This is bullshit. You all pretend like he was some God. Bullshit. I’m not taking this shit anymore. IlyaZ is gone. Get fucking over it homogafs. If this shit wasn’t so serious, why would I insert so many fucking cuss words?

          Phata$$: Hey dude, what’s up?

          Stark: I wrote a fucking song about this, can I at least get a mention?

          Exalt: I think I’m smart, but no one reads my posts because they’re stupid!

          Jeenyuss: I propose we build a memorial to ilyaZ. In Canada

          Stargazer: *finger hovers over the ban button*

          Raizin: hey, this ain’t mafia.

          Twerp: 5 bucks says Paradise says something stupid

          Paradise!: yo bro, you guys kno that ilya was a fake right. He’s hella dumb, can’t even argu that man. No shit, this guy was the most stupid person since your mom. Lol im hella funny.

          Summa: Nice writing Matt.

          The_paul: NEVAR FORGET!

          Dabram: hkgjhsjkghsjdg khgjsdgsdh togja (or something that sounds like a troll language)

          Pandagirl: Without IlyaZ we have no base to compare our beauty to. I mean, we TW Beauty Club members still have rockin bods, but without Ilya we are just that, sexy mannequins. Nothing more. PS Nice costume Sherr…Yeah, I saw it. Rawr.

          Fit of Rage: plz ban me for my spmas
          Last edited by Squeezer; 11-04-2009, 01:17 AM.
          Originally posted by Tone
          Women who smoke cigarettes are sexy, not repulsive. It depends on the number smoked. less is better

          Comment


          • #6
            The whereabouts of this epic poster remain unknown, but one thing is for sure, he will be missed by the community at large. If these interviews show anything, it’s that the Forums are hurting. IlyaZ we miss you. Please come back home.

            If you have any tips about the whereabouts of a Mr. Ilyander P. Z, please call our toll free number at (800-876-5353), or post as much pornography as you can before being banned.



            For Unsolved Mysteries, I’m Robert Stack. Please join us next week when we explore the three vortexes that lie within Goddess’ body. Until next week, stay safe and keep Ilya in your prayers, the Forums depend on it.



            please don't ban me
            Originally posted by Tone
            Women who smoke cigarettes are sexy, not repulsive. It depends on the number smoked. less is better

            Comment


            • #7
              bravo. Lets give everyone a 5 day ban and see how many quality posts like Squeezers we can get
              8:Lrim> you guys take this game too seriously

              Comment


              • #8
                I can’t believe I still put up with this shit.
                sigpic
                All good things must come to an end.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Squeezer this is a great thread!

                  PS: Gran likes dicks!
                  Da1andonly> man this youghurt only made me angry

                  5:ph> n0ah will dangle from a helicopter ladder and just reduce the landscape to ashes by sweeping his beard across it

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    better than fucking tomatoes
                    sigpic
                    All good things must come to an end.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      spam, banned again!!!!1
                      5:royst> i was junior athlete of the year in my school! then i got a girlfriend
                      5:the_paul> calculus is not a girlfriend
                      5:royst> i wish it was calculus

                      1:royst> did you all gangbang my gf or something

                      1:fermata> why dont you get money fuck bitches instead

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        No FIT OF RAGE YOU ARE THE ONE THAT WILL BE BANNED FOR YOUR SPAM

                        YOU ARE THE ONE
                        Originally posted by Tone
                        Women who smoke cigarettes are sexy, not repulsive. It depends on the number smoked. less is better

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          i never said such a thing!

                          nice writing though matt
                          TWDT Head Op Seasons 2, 3, and 4
                          TWL Season 14 & 17 Head Op
                          Season 13 TWLD Champion, Seasons 13 & 14 LJ Champion

                          Winston Churchill: "That is the sort of nonsense up with which we will not put!"

                          Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly.
                          - John F. Kennedy

                          A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
                          Originally posted by kthx
                          Umm.. Alexander the Great was the leader of the Roman empire, not the Greek empire guy.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Howd you find out about my ban button?????

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              A+, fr33 ilya

                              Comment

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