Critique my metal band's first song lyrics

[Stabwound]

Hey guys, I started a new metal band called Men of Destiny. We haven't recorded any songs yet, but we just finished the lyrics for our first song, "Behold My Insanity". We play what we like to call Anonymouscore: hardcore/death metal with lyrics inspired by Anonymous' ideals for a Utopian society, so keep that in mind when you read them. We'd really appreciate any comments or criticisms on the lyrics.

Also, we have a first draft of our logo. Any thoughts?

Men of Destiny - Behold My Insanity

Shadows dance within each other
Manifesting blasphemous abominations
Nightmares cease to be only dreams
The horror of my life has but begun

Years pass, my words have fallen on deaf ears
It brings about a sense of insignificance
It's as though they fear my thoughts
So they lock me away and dispose of the key

Caged, jailed, my mind my cell
No escape, you say, you think I am trapped
But the very weapon you are attempting to destroy
Will ultimately cause your own downfall

You cannot stop the free thinkers
We constantly conjure new methods of repairing your mistakes
Out with the old, in with the new
Tradition has failed, and you have failed alongside it

Accept our word as the ultimate truth
Though you've treated us as inferiors
This can be overlooked if you understand
We only mean to create a better world

A world suitable for ourselves
As well as generations to come
Amongst this, we hope to usher in a new era
An era of enlightenment to all with a vision

A new generation of free thinking
Has kept alive the beacon of hope
We cannot allow ourselves to relive our past errors
We must unlearn all that we have learned

[roxxkatt]

we knew you were a homosexual, but who would have guessed you would have put yourself in an entire pile of dudes

[Dameon Angell]

You got a hook for the song?

Looks good so far, see the inspiration.

[Tone]

Use this program as the Stand-Alone-Version, after a song is completely finished, by feeding a wav into the song and exporting a new wav out.

http://www.musiciansfriend.com/pro-a...racks-3-deluxe

[Oranje]

I have never read someting more emo my whole life.

[Spock!]

I can't decide if the song is anti-NWO of for it......But I think they are pretty groovy. I would have to hear the actual tune/music to decide if I like it or not.
Iv'e always liked bands like Dio and Sabbath, but never really listened to death metal of stuff like that.

The logo reminds me of 80's Metallica, and thats a good thing.

[Tone]

I have never read someting more emo my whole life.

I would say you have probably been PsyOped Re-Programmed where you believe being robotic & anti-human is about normal and normal human expression is highly emo.

The matrix does PsyOps on people to change the scale of everything like that.

Sort of like how normal centrist politics is now extreme right, and communism is now centrist, to use another example.

Consider that you may have been programmed with dehumanization & death-worship.

http://www.vst4free.com/index.php?pl...astering/Strip

[Crescent Seal]

which did u take t0ne

[gran guerrero]

Here you go. You wanted criticism right?

Shadows dance within each other
Manifesting blasphemous abominations
Nightmares cease to be only dreams
The horror of my life has but begun

I'm not a fan of the first line. It sounds too childish when it comes to the next three lines that insert an image of dread. Shadows dancing is too jovial in my ears. Needs to be something more like Creeping Shadows from the gloom, or something like that.

Years pass, my words have fallen on deaf ears
It brings about a sense of insignificance
It's as though they fear my thoughts
So they lock me away and dispose of the key

To be honest, I don't like how you time skipped from the first paragraph to the second. It's way too early for that imo. You were giving a message in the first stanza that didn't go anywhere, because we are already years passed... Try switching this stanza towards a little bit later so we understand more fully what you were trying to convey in the first set.

And when you start referring to they, we aren't sure who the they represents at this moment cause you haven't said your message yet or who you were trying to convey it too. Is they the people? or is they the people in charge? Get what I'm saying. It's like this stanza should be saved for later.

Caged, jailed, my mind my cell
No escape, you say, you think I am trapped
But the very weapon you are attempting to destroy
Will ultimately cause your own downfall

I like the first line, add a comma after mind, or change it to my mind is my cell. Up to you.

See what I meant about they in the second stanza? You bring up You now. They represents a collective, You an individual. You need to be clear as to who you are referring to, is it they or is it you?

I don't know what is it about the last line, but it doesn't sound phonetically aesthetic when I read the whole stanza. I personally don't like ending what is generally a good set with a word like downfall. It just drags the sound when everything else is coming at you, like a pop, caged, jailed, my mind, my cell... doowwwwwwnnnnnfaaaaaaaaalllllllll (get what I mean?)

You cannot stop the free thinkers
We constantly conjure new methods of repairing your mistakes
Out with the old, in with the new
Tradition has failed, and you have failed alongside it

I feel like this stanza would be great with some rearrangement, tell me if you think it sounds better this way (I changed failed so as to not sound redundant, but if you are taking the lines verbatim from anonymous then change it back):

We constantly conjure new methods of repairing your mistakes
Tradition has been ruined, and you have failed alongside it
Out with the old, in with the new
You cannot stop the free thinkers

Accept our word as the ultimate truth
Though you've treated us as inferiors
This can be overlooked if you understand
We only mean to create a better world

I like this stanza, no changes needed.

A world suitable for ourselves
As well as generations to come
Amongst this, we hope to usher in a new era
An era of enlightenment to all with a vision

Same with this stanza. I would only change the first "era" to "age" to avoid being redundant

A new generation of free thinking
Has kept alive the beacon of hope
We cannot allow ourselves to relive our past errors
We must unlearn all that we have learned

I feel like this should be your second stanza.

[Stabwound]

Wow, thanks for the detailed response. I'll have to forward your post to our songwriter; he hasn't seen the thread yet but he'll be thrilled to see your breakdown of the lyrics. He's pretty passionate about this.

[gran guerrero]

also why the name Men of Destiny?

Why not something like Anonymous Men

Men of Destiny makes me think of Destiny's Child tbh

[Olga]

Why not something like Anonymous Men

makes it sound like a gloryhole thing

[paradise!]

redo the logo

looks like a metallica tribute band logo

[Ephemeral]

A few observations from a old man who grew up in the late 60s - early 70s listening to Beatles, Stones, Deep Purple, etc.

Most rock/metal has been successful the context of ‘teenage angst’ and as such has had little to do with ‘men’. Watch the movie CGBGs and note how they never, ever booked bands who played top 40 crap. Don’t write with top 40, or being popular, as a goal. Write what means the most to you but make it socially relevant. Avoid sappy love lyrics, find an edge. Try to make a album have a common social theme, such as how capitalism is splitting the world into the ‘haves’ and ‘have nots’, to give the listening audience something to rally around. Don’t fit into existing molds, break the molds and do your own thing. And never, ever sing someone else songs or top 40 dribble.

I agree with Para, logo looks a bit dated and has been used before. Also do not use someone else's fonts for your logo; this will get you a law suit as soon as you become worth money.
eph