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  • Critique my metal band's first song lyrics

    Hey guys, I started a new metal band called Men of Destiny. We haven't recorded any songs yet, but we just finished the lyrics for our first song, "Behold My Insanity". We play what we like to call Anonymouscore: hardcore/death metal with lyrics inspired by Anonymous' ideals for a Utopian society, so keep that in mind when you read them. We'd really appreciate any comments or criticisms on the lyrics.

    Also, we have a first draft of our logo. Any thoughts?



    Men of Destiny - Behold My Insanity

    Shadows dance within each other
    Manifesting blasphemous abominations
    Nightmares cease to be only dreams
    The horror of my life has but begun

    Years pass, my words have fallen on deaf ears
    It brings about a sense of insignificance
    It's as though they fear my thoughts
    So they lock me away and dispose of the key

    Caged, jailed, my mind my cell
    No escape, you say, you think I am trapped
    But the very weapon you are attempting to destroy
    Will ultimately cause your own downfall

    You cannot stop the free thinkers
    We constantly conjure new methods of repairing your mistakes
    Out with the old, in with the new
    Tradition has failed, and you have failed alongside it

    Accept our word as the ultimate truth
    Though you've treated us as inferiors
    This can be overlooked if you understand
    We only mean to create a better world

    A world suitable for ourselves
    As well as generations to come
    Amongst this, we hope to usher in a new era
    An era of enlightenment to all with a vision

    A new generation of free thinking
    Has kept alive the beacon of hope
    We cannot allow ourselves to relive our past errors
    We must unlearn all that we have learned
    sdg

  • #2
    we knew you were a homosexual, but who would have guessed you would have put yourself in an entire pile of dudes
    The above text is a personal opinion of an individual and is not representative of the statements or opinions of Trench Wars or Trench Wars staff.

    SSCJ Distension Owner
    SSCU Trench Wars Developer


    Last edited by Shaddowknight; Today at 05:49 AM. Reason: Much racism. So hate. Such ban. Wow.

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    • #3
      You got a hook for the song?

      Looks good so far, see the inspiration.
      DELETED

      Comment


      • #4
        Use this program as the Stand-Alone-Version, after a song is completely finished, by feeding a wav into the song and exporting a new wav out.

        http://www.musiciansfriend.com/pro-a...racks-3-deluxe

        Comment


        • #5
          I have never read someting more emo my whole life.

          Comment


          • #6
            I can't decide if the song is anti-NWO of for it......But I think they are pretty groovy. I would have to hear the actual tune/music to decide if I like it or not.
            Iv'e always liked bands like Dio and Sabbath, but never really listened to death metal of stuff like that.

            The logo reminds me of 80's Metallica, and thats a good thing.
            "I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery."
            - Thomas Jefferson

            sigpic

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Oranje View Post
              I have never read someting more emo my whole life.
              I would say you have probably been PsyOped Re-Programmed where you believe being robotic & anti-human is about normal and normal human expression is highly emo.

              The matrix does PsyOps on people to change the scale of everything like that.

              Sort of like how normal centrist politics is now extreme right, and communism is now centrist, to use another example.

              Consider that you may have been programmed with dehumanization & death-worship.

              http://www.vst4free.com/index.php?pl...astering/Strip

              Comment


              • #8
                which did u take t0ne

                1:Rasaq> i scrub really hard with toilet paper so little pieces of it get stuck to my anus hair and then later on when im watching tv i like to pull them out slowly because it feels pretty good

                1:Mutalisk> heard that n1111ga okyo got some DSLs

                Paradise> No names but there's actually a black man in the arena right now.

                Jones> MAAAAN1111GA UCHIHA

                Paradise> NO NAMES. NOT A SINGLE NAME.....but 3/6 of the players on Force are of a certain descent. I will not go any further.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Here you go. You wanted criticism right?

                  Shadows dance within each other
                  Manifesting blasphemous abominations
                  Nightmares cease to be only dreams
                  The horror of my life has but begun
                  I'm not a fan of the first line. It sounds too childish when it comes to the next three lines that insert an image of dread. Shadows dancing is too jovial in my ears. Needs to be something more like Creeping Shadows from the gloom, or something like that.

                  Years pass, my words have fallen on deaf ears
                  It brings about a sense of insignificance
                  It's as though they fear my thoughts
                  So they lock me away and dispose of the key
                  To be honest, I don't like how you time skipped from the first paragraph to the second. It's way too early for that imo. You were giving a message in the first stanza that didn't go anywhere, because we are already years passed... Try switching this stanza towards a little bit later so we understand more fully what you were trying to convey in the first set.

                  And when you start referring to they, we aren't sure who the they represents at this moment cause you haven't said your message yet or who you were trying to convey it too. Is they the people? or is they the people in charge? Get what I'm saying. It's like this stanza should be saved for later.

                  Caged, jailed, my mind my cell
                  No escape, you say, you think I am trapped
                  But the very weapon you are attempting to destroy
                  Will ultimately cause your own downfall
                  I like the first line, add a comma after mind, or change it to my mind is my cell. Up to you.

                  See what I meant about they in the second stanza? You bring up You now. They represents a collective, You an individual. You need to be clear as to who you are referring to, is it they or is it you?

                  I don't know what is it about the last line, but it doesn't sound phonetically aesthetic when I read the whole stanza. I personally don't like ending what is generally a good set with a word like downfall. It just drags the sound when everything else is coming at you, like a pop, caged, jailed, my mind, my cell... doowwwwwwnnnnnfaaaaaaaaalllllllll (get what I mean?)

                  You cannot stop the free thinkers
                  We constantly conjure new methods of repairing your mistakes
                  Out with the old, in with the new
                  Tradition has failed, and you have failed alongside it
                  I feel like this stanza would be great with some rearrangement, tell me if you think it sounds better this way (I changed failed so as to not sound redundant, but if you are taking the lines verbatim from anonymous then change it back):

                  We constantly conjure new methods of repairing your mistakes
                  Tradition has been ruined, and you have failed alongside it
                  Out with the old, in with the new
                  You cannot stop the free thinkers

                  Accept our word as the ultimate truth
                  Though you've treated us as inferiors
                  This can be overlooked if you understand
                  We only mean to create a better world
                  I like this stanza, no changes needed.

                  A world suitable for ourselves
                  As well as generations to come
                  Amongst this, we hope to usher in a new era
                  An era of enlightenment to all with a vision
                  Same with this stanza. I would only change the first "era" to "age" to avoid being redundant

                  A new generation of free thinking
                  Has kept alive the beacon of hope
                  We cannot allow ourselves to relive our past errors
                  We must unlearn all that we have learned
                  I feel like this should be your second stanza.
                  sigpic
                  All good things must come to an end.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Wow, thanks for the detailed response. I'll have to forward your post to our songwriter; he hasn't seen the thread yet but he'll be thrilled to see your breakdown of the lyrics. He's pretty passionate about this.
                    sdg

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      also why the name Men of Destiny?

                      Why not something like Anonymous Men

                      Men of Destiny makes me think of Destiny's Child tbh
                      sigpic
                      All good things must come to an end.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by gran guerrero View Post
                        Why not something like Anonymous Men
                        makes it sound like a gloryhole thing
                        Last edited by Olga; 01-16-2014, 11:52 PM. Reason: \m/
                        sigpic

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          redo the logo

                          looks like a metallica tribute band logo
                          4:BigKing> xD
                          4:Best> i'm leaving chat
                          4:BigKing> what did i do???
                          4:Best> told you repeatedly you cannot use that emoji anymore
                          4:BigKing> ???? why though
                          4:Best> you're 6'4 and black...you can't use emojis like that
                          4:BigKing> xD

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            A few observations from a old man who grew up in the late 60s - early 70s listening to Beatles, Stones, Deep Purple, etc.

                            Most rock/metal has been successful the context of ‘teenage angst’ and as such has had little to do with ‘men’. Watch the movie CGBGs and note how they never, ever booked bands who played top 40 crap. Don’t write with top 40, or being popular, as a goal. Write what means the most to you but make it socially relevant. Avoid sappy love lyrics, find an edge. Try to make a album have a common social theme, such as how capitalism is splitting the world into the ‘haves’ and ‘have nots’, to give the listening audience something to rally around. Don’t fit into existing molds, break the molds and do your own thing. And never, ever sing someone else songs or top 40 dribble.

                            I agree with Para, logo looks a bit dated and has been used before. Also do not use someone else's fonts for your logo; this will get you a law suit as soon as you become worth money.
                            eph

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