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It seems there's more and more people on this forum starting to get into football, so I thought it share my little gem I've found on the internet. Its a daily email called The Fiver sent out about five o'clock in the evening (my time) by The Guardian, a British newspaper, and is the funniest round up of the days events, ever. Here's yesterdays:
David Bowie, and Dan Dare
Sean Ingle and Georgina Turner
Wednesday November 24, 2004
HARRY-KARI
Last night, the Fiver headed into Portsmouth's trendy Po Na Na & Boom Bar with only a £2,800 pair of hand-stitched trousers and pecs the size of K2 for company. But soon the hypnotic Eurobeat was taking us away to another place; a place where Harry Redknapp was gyrating his hips along to the Queen/David Bowie classic "Under Pressure". That place, it turned out, was a press conference at Portsmouth this afternoon - where a tearful Arry announced he was off!
"It was my decision and something I have been thinking about for some time," Redknapp jive-talked. "I made it without any pressure from the chairman or the board." Yes, you heard that right. And, just in case you didn't, chairman Milan Mandaric soon joined in on backing vocal too. "People will say that Harry has stepped down for the reasons that have been intensely speculated over in the media. That could not be further from the truth. Harry and I remain great friends.
Milan's talking, of course, about Velimir Zajec - the club's new director of football, who (completely coincidentally) will take charge at Bolton on Saturday, as Redknapp's assistant Jim Smith is doing one too. "I was thinking of finishing before joining Portsmouth but it's actually revitalised me, I feel younger than ever with the relationship with Harry," Smith swooned, adding cryptically. "I don't know the truth [about Harry's resignation], you'll have to ask the chairman."
But you know what they say about flashbacks, but you know what they say about flashbacks, and all of a sudden our consciousness dipped faster than Pompey's form in November. Suddenly we were drifting back to May 2001, and Smith was saying: "The report said he'd left by mutual consent but I've been in the game long enough to know that's just football jargon. I'm sure there's something else behind this." He was talking about Redknapp leaving West Ham, of course, but might it apply to today too?
* * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I haven't had the hair-dryer treatment myself but I have seen one or two things when the games have not been going so well. I don't find it scary. The only things I am scared of are aeroplanes" - When he goes down to Old Trafford one day, Gabriel Heinze is going to get a nasty surprise.
* * * * * * * * * * *
DIRTY VIDEOS
Like the Fiver, Arsene Wenger is a busy and successful go-getter with scant time to devote to his favourite hobby. Unlike the Fiver, however, that doesn't involve a Dan Dare costume, a pair of weakly constructed wings, a quick prayer and a sharp drop. Instead, Arsene likes to spend his afternoons watching and rewinding videos in a darkened room, pencil in hand, a grimace on his face. And indeed, when you're hauled up by the FA for calling Ruud van Nistelrooy a cheat, what better way to defend the charge than prepare a video montage of some of his most unsavoury moments?
"I stand by what I said," Wenger insisted, carefully gluing pictures of Ruud's elbow to Pavel Pergl's face for the sleeve. "At some stage you have to say what you think without intending to insult people," he added, as Ruud triple-piked his way into various Premiership defences on screen. "That's what I did." Apart from beefing up Arsenal's pre-match entertainment, the video is likely to enrage the already aubergine Fergie - not least because it'll beat his nine-hour interpretation of Thierry Henry bottling it in Europe into the shops for Christmas.
What's really important today, says Arsene, is beating PSV Eindhoven - who have conceded only one goal (that'll be 15 less than the Gunners, then) since meeting Arsenal 12 games ago. "I think they will keep it tight," M. Wenger observed, before adding his weight to rumours that John Paul II once dabbled in Catholicism. "I don't think they will win [Big Cup] but they could upset any team in Europe," he added, as Thierry's lip trembled. Sol Campbell's return should help, but if it doesn't... ah, that'll be Arsenal out of Big Cup and out of excuses, that's right.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Dave Bassett and Micky Adams are loitering outside the gates of Molineux shouting "gissa job" to any suit that walks past.
David Moyes will signal Everton's intention to mix it with the big boys on a regular basis by signing Julio Arca and, erm, Titus Bramble. You couldn't make it up, but someone surely has.
When Graeme Souness has stopped laughing at the fact that someone wants to pay money for Bramble, he will waft six million sweet-smelling pieces of paper under Steve Bruce's four noses in the hope of getting Matthew Upson in return. That's if he doesn't sign 'the fat Peter Kay', aka Man United reserve loafer John O'Shea.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Jason Perryman, who racially abused Dwight Yorke at Blackburn on Sunday, has been fined £1,000 and given a five-year ban from all football grounds in England.
Rafa Benitez will need to find exactly £8.3m if he wants to solve his striking woes by signing David Villa from Real Zaragoza. Oh well, there's always Harry Kewell.
Uefa is waiting on the referee's report before punishing Real Madrid for the moronistas who marred last night's game against Bayer Leverkusen with more monkey chants.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Dutch Football - Ajax v Feyenoord (4.30am)
"I've got a serious dilemma that I can't figure out for the life of me," says Matt M, kicking off another day of Help Me Fiver Readers!
Sky Sports 1: Gillette Soccer Special (7pm)
"And when I say serious, I mean that this is going to impact on the rest of my life."
You're on Sky Sports (10pm)
Cripes. Go on then Matt...
Futbol Mundial (12am)
"A couple of years ago I met a beautiful Canadian girl in London, we got together and I moved out to Canada with her," he writes, as the nation waits for the inevitable 'but'.
Sky Sports 2: Live Big Cup - CSKA v Moscow (5.30pm)
"Now I'm finding being in Canada really hard to cope with; obviously it's different but I find myself missing the UK. You know, little things like sport, culture, media.
PSV v Arsenal (7.45pm)
"My dilemma is: do I stay in a country that I'm beginning to hate and stay with a girl that I love, or do I come back to the UK for all the small things in life that make it bearable?
Sky Sports Xtra: Live Big Cup - Barcelona v Celtic (7.45pm)
"Obviously the situation is a lot more complex than this, but I'm trying to tell it simply."
BBC Radio 5: Sport on 5 (7pm)
Probably best, Matt. This is the Fiver after all.
Talksport: Big Cup Live (7pm)
"I can't believe that I'm writing to a daily football email in order to get advice, shoot me now."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Quite. Send your problems to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked "I can help, and I'm not mad".
HE'S JUST A FAST FOOD KNIGHT
There's a few references in there you might not understand. The first is their insistence to call the Champions League the "Big Cup" and the UEFA Cup the "Euro Vase" due to the fact that the UEFA Cup is seen as the poor relation of the Champions League. Also Birgmingham FC are called Bongo FC for reasons I still have to discover, and finally anyone with an age over 35 is given ages ranging from 36-457 to emphasise their age. You can sign up at http://football.guardian.co.uk/fiver. Also ignore the Portsmouth reference, its the just coindcidence my city is mentioned as its the introduction to the story about the fact that our manager resigned yesterday. It scared the shit out of me though because the Poo Na Na is one of my favourites. And the superhero analogy is a reference to a new campaign group in Britain called Fathers For Justice who dress up as superheroes and climb famous buildings with their banners, pissing everyone off.
David Bowie, and Dan Dare
Sean Ingle and Georgina Turner
Wednesday November 24, 2004
HARRY-KARI
Last night, the Fiver headed into Portsmouth's trendy Po Na Na & Boom Bar with only a £2,800 pair of hand-stitched trousers and pecs the size of K2 for company. But soon the hypnotic Eurobeat was taking us away to another place; a place where Harry Redknapp was gyrating his hips along to the Queen/David Bowie classic "Under Pressure". That place, it turned out, was a press conference at Portsmouth this afternoon - where a tearful Arry announced he was off!
"It was my decision and something I have been thinking about for some time," Redknapp jive-talked. "I made it without any pressure from the chairman or the board." Yes, you heard that right. And, just in case you didn't, chairman Milan Mandaric soon joined in on backing vocal too. "People will say that Harry has stepped down for the reasons that have been intensely speculated over in the media. That could not be further from the truth. Harry and I remain great friends.
Milan's talking, of course, about Velimir Zajec - the club's new director of football, who (completely coincidentally) will take charge at Bolton on Saturday, as Redknapp's assistant Jim Smith is doing one too. "I was thinking of finishing before joining Portsmouth but it's actually revitalised me, I feel younger than ever with the relationship with Harry," Smith swooned, adding cryptically. "I don't know the truth [about Harry's resignation], you'll have to ask the chairman."
But you know what they say about flashbacks, but you know what they say about flashbacks, and all of a sudden our consciousness dipped faster than Pompey's form in November. Suddenly we were drifting back to May 2001, and Smith was saying: "The report said he'd left by mutual consent but I've been in the game long enough to know that's just football jargon. I'm sure there's something else behind this." He was talking about Redknapp leaving West Ham, of course, but might it apply to today too?
* * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I haven't had the hair-dryer treatment myself but I have seen one or two things when the games have not been going so well. I don't find it scary. The only things I am scared of are aeroplanes" - When he goes down to Old Trafford one day, Gabriel Heinze is going to get a nasty surprise.
* * * * * * * * * * *
DIRTY VIDEOS
Like the Fiver, Arsene Wenger is a busy and successful go-getter with scant time to devote to his favourite hobby. Unlike the Fiver, however, that doesn't involve a Dan Dare costume, a pair of weakly constructed wings, a quick prayer and a sharp drop. Instead, Arsene likes to spend his afternoons watching and rewinding videos in a darkened room, pencil in hand, a grimace on his face. And indeed, when you're hauled up by the FA for calling Ruud van Nistelrooy a cheat, what better way to defend the charge than prepare a video montage of some of his most unsavoury moments?
"I stand by what I said," Wenger insisted, carefully gluing pictures of Ruud's elbow to Pavel Pergl's face for the sleeve. "At some stage you have to say what you think without intending to insult people," he added, as Ruud triple-piked his way into various Premiership defences on screen. "That's what I did." Apart from beefing up Arsenal's pre-match entertainment, the video is likely to enrage the already aubergine Fergie - not least because it'll beat his nine-hour interpretation of Thierry Henry bottling it in Europe into the shops for Christmas.
What's really important today, says Arsene, is beating PSV Eindhoven - who have conceded only one goal (that'll be 15 less than the Gunners, then) since meeting Arsenal 12 games ago. "I think they will keep it tight," M. Wenger observed, before adding his weight to rumours that John Paul II once dabbled in Catholicism. "I don't think they will win [Big Cup] but they could upset any team in Europe," he added, as Thierry's lip trembled. Sol Campbell's return should help, but if it doesn't... ah, that'll be Arsenal out of Big Cup and out of excuses, that's right.
* * * * * * * * * * *
THE RUMOUR MILL
Dave Bassett and Micky Adams are loitering outside the gates of Molineux shouting "gissa job" to any suit that walks past.
David Moyes will signal Everton's intention to mix it with the big boys on a regular basis by signing Julio Arca and, erm, Titus Bramble. You couldn't make it up, but someone surely has.
When Graeme Souness has stopped laughing at the fact that someone wants to pay money for Bramble, he will waft six million sweet-smelling pieces of paper under Steve Bruce's four noses in the hope of getting Matthew Upson in return. That's if he doesn't sign 'the fat Peter Kay', aka Man United reserve loafer John O'Shea.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Jason Perryman, who racially abused Dwight Yorke at Blackburn on Sunday, has been fined £1,000 and given a five-year ban from all football grounds in England.
Rafa Benitez will need to find exactly £8.3m if he wants to solve his striking woes by signing David Villa from Real Zaragoza. Oh well, there's always Harry Kewell.
Uefa is waiting on the referee's report before punishing Real Madrid for the moronistas who marred last night's game against Bayer Leverkusen with more monkey chants.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Five: Dutch Football - Ajax v Feyenoord (4.30am)
"I've got a serious dilemma that I can't figure out for the life of me," says Matt M, kicking off another day of Help Me Fiver Readers!
Sky Sports 1: Gillette Soccer Special (7pm)
"And when I say serious, I mean that this is going to impact on the rest of my life."
You're on Sky Sports (10pm)
Cripes. Go on then Matt...
Futbol Mundial (12am)
"A couple of years ago I met a beautiful Canadian girl in London, we got together and I moved out to Canada with her," he writes, as the nation waits for the inevitable 'but'.
Sky Sports 2: Live Big Cup - CSKA v Moscow (5.30pm)
"Now I'm finding being in Canada really hard to cope with; obviously it's different but I find myself missing the UK. You know, little things like sport, culture, media.
PSV v Arsenal (7.45pm)
"My dilemma is: do I stay in a country that I'm beginning to hate and stay with a girl that I love, or do I come back to the UK for all the small things in life that make it bearable?
Sky Sports Xtra: Live Big Cup - Barcelona v Celtic (7.45pm)
"Obviously the situation is a lot more complex than this, but I'm trying to tell it simply."
BBC Radio 5: Sport on 5 (7pm)
Probably best, Matt. This is the Fiver after all.
Talksport: Big Cup Live (7pm)
"I can't believe that I'm writing to a daily football email in order to get advice, shoot me now."
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
Quite. Send your problems to the.boss@guardian.co.uk, marked "I can help, and I'm not mad".
HE'S JUST A FAST FOOD KNIGHT
There's a few references in there you might not understand. The first is their insistence to call the Champions League the "Big Cup" and the UEFA Cup the "Euro Vase" due to the fact that the UEFA Cup is seen as the poor relation of the Champions League. Also Birgmingham FC are called Bongo FC for reasons I still have to discover, and finally anyone with an age over 35 is given ages ranging from 36-457 to emphasise their age. You can sign up at http://football.guardian.co.uk/fiver. Also ignore the Portsmouth reference, its the just coindcidence my city is mentioned as its the introduction to the story about the fact that our manager resigned yesterday. It scared the shit out of me though because the Poo Na Na is one of my favourites. And the superhero analogy is a reference to a new campaign group in Britain called Fathers For Justice who dress up as superheroes and climb famous buildings with their banners, pissing everyone off.
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