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Top 30 Chuck Norris facts
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires
no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he
grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding
his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with
Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement
and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast
went
deaf.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday
of
the month.
8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different
kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that,
Lance Armstrong.
9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to
have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse
kick related deaths.
11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up
a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to
the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling,
"Bang!"
14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on
their
floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of
course,
to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality
rate
of the actors he fights.
19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips
from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
His
have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black
belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit
out of
viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
so he
can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his"
way.
25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to
death by Chuck Norris.
26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.
27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb
on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children
who
just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris
calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse
kicks
them in the face.
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires
no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he
grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding
his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with
Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement
and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast
went
deaf.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted
he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday
of
the month.
8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different
kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that,
Lance Armstrong.
9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift
of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to
have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse
kick related deaths.
11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up
a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to
the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling,
"Bang!"
14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on
their
floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of
course,
to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality
rate
of the actors he fights.
19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips
from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
His
have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black
belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit
out of
viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
so he
can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his"
way.
25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged
to
death by Chuck Norris.
26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.
27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb
on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children
who
just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris
calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse
kicks
them in the face.
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