Jokes

[Pandagirl!]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.

See 1st page, post 5

[Superted]

See 1st page, post 5

Damn, funny thing is I checked the thread first to see if it was already in. I must have missed it though, obviously.

[ZeUs!!]

had a feeling you'd claim it, although neither of the other 2 visit the forum anyway..

Nah, it really was mine

[jeem]

i told all your jokes at work today and now i'm the hippest cat in town

thanks mofos

[Torn Wing]

i told all your jokes at work today and now i'm the hippest cat in town

thanks mofos

Where do you work? jdigs'r'us?

[Rapids]

Lawyer Jokes

#1
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

#2
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”

[ShadowHand]

Nice ones .

Edit: Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."



#2 A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."



Edit2: A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure," says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"

LOLOLOLOLOL

[H I M]

Two guys called John and George on a golf course, playing golf..... John has a black brief case.

Geogre asks "What's with the case?"

John responds "It's my tools."

"Your tools?"

"Yeah, I'm a hitman."

"Pfft. Piss off. Hitman."

"No, really I am. I'll show you."

So he opens the case and puts all the bits of the gun together and holds it out. George is amazed.

"Jesus, that's a beauty. Can I have a look?"

"Sure be my guest"

So George takes the gun and looks through the scope.

"Wow it's amazing what you can see through this...Hey! I can see my house. I can see right in the bedroom windo....you bastard!.....that's that guy from next-door with my wife....they're havin...you...bastard..."

George turns to John and asks, "How much do you charge?"

"1000 a bullet, that's my price"

George hesitates and answers, "Alright...gimme two. Shoot her right between the eyes and shoot him right in the dick!"

George hands over the gun. John loads the gun and takes aim. A few minutes pass and George was getting impatient.

"Come on, come on. Hurry up!"

"Take it easy for Christ's sake, I'm trying to save you a Grand."

[SaucyKing]

Hah, that was funny.

[Rapids]

3 Wishes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[Rapids]

Indecent Exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

[Squeezer]

One day, a girl comes home from Sex Ed, all excited.

She runs into her mom's room and says, "Mommy, Mommy, today in sex ed, we learned how to get babies!"

the mother, playing along asks "Okay honey, how does a mommy and a daddy get a baby?"

to which the girl responds, "well first the mommy sucks on the daddy's penis, until stuff comes out, then nine months later they get a baby!"

The mother says, "Oh honey, thats not how mommy gets a baby, thats how mommy gets diamonds."

[Torn Wing]

One day, a girl comes home from Sex Ed, all excited.

She runs into her mom's room and says, "Mommy, Mommy, today in sex ed, we learned how to get babies!"

the mother, playing along asks "Okay honey, how does a mommy and a daddy get a baby?"

to which the girl responds, "well first the mommy sucks on the daddy's penis, until stuff comes out, then nine months later they get a baby!"

The mother says, "Oh honey, thats not how mommy gets a baby, thats how mommy gets diamonds."

ROFLMAO

[Rapids]

Don't Eat the Brown Ones

A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.

"What did you do that for?" he asked her.

"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

[Twerp]

(3 storks overall, mother stork, father stork, baby stork) Two storks were in a nest, a father stork and baby stork. The baby is crying and won't stop. The father stork is trying to calm him down and says, "Don't worry Son, your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, its fathers turn to do the job. The mother stork says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible. He's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, their son is gone from the nest all night. Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night.
The baby stork says, "Awww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"
(Fixed)


#2 Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street. In each arm he carried a bag. He ran into Mr. Klein. Mr. Klein asked, "What are those bags for?"
"I'm collecting for Israel", said Mr. Goldfarb.
"You need two bags?", asked Mr. Klein.
"I've got a system, said Mr. Goldfarb. It's fantastic. I go into the men's room. I pull out a knife and hold it up. Then I say, 'Give for Israel or get a circumcision.' It works. I have forty thousand dollars in this bag.
"What do you have in the other bag?", inquired Mr. Klein.
"Oh, well, not everybody gives."


Edit: A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th
wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife
"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me
that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now
I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful
experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all
that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
...The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she
paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
...The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting
hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks
"Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
...Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she
tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says "You".